Wednesday, September 17, 2008

I feel
I feel .........

I am in late and feel I need to blog
but don't know what!

I stutter to express my feelings without giving the details.
I respect humans I have been with.

I feel - that is the best - just express the feelings
It is better that - than having them in the
Washing Machine of the gut as I go to bed.

I am listening to a Genius iTunes playlist.
The starter track, which stimulates Genius to give me the others, is::
Abraham by Sufjan Stevens from the album 'Seven Swans'.
I never recommend - but this is magic for me.
(I will put it on my iPhone player on my blog - just for you.)

I am feeling deep and reflective.
I am not happy.
Not unhappy.
I know it could easily been seen as hard going tonight.
The ground was not fertile.
I accept that.
Young humans are not all willing to talk.
I respect the lack of 'manner' 'politeness' 'doing the right thing'.
I don't expect them to pretend.

I am thinking of one BHP now.
Language spoke clearly.
It was all in the 'body' kind.
Walking in and out.
Mobile pretence to the ear.
Distant as can possibly be from me,
and others.

I received two handshakes at the end.
And almost a glimmer of eye contact.
I can see the human now.
Video in my head -
Communicating much -
saying nothing - in spoken language.

Sigur Ros is in the Genius list mentioned above.
Playing to me, only, now.

I am feeling a yearning and a need to understand more.
So much of life is silent.
Even in noise.
We have so much to learn
and the greatest journey is the journey inward.
No matter what we do,
experience,
talk about,
think,
observe -
it all needs to be reflected upon.
The number of times that Jesus went away on his own .....
Reflective practice, on his knees I gather.
Mine is usually on the keyboard.
Not two knees
just two fingers.

'You are nobody until someone loves you.'
So many have not experienced that love.
That love of someone.
Human or eternal.
It is not love until it is unconditional.
(PJ Harvey playing now - 'oh my lover')
The most complex humans,
beautiful humans every one,
have trouble in receiving love,
giving love,
absorbing love.
So complex that there is a struggle when love does come along.
Love that gives unconditionally.
And we need to keep that loving.
Not being a reactor but being a pro-actor.

I still have hand written on my original Mission Statement,
and it still stands,
'I have decided to make my life an act of love'.
I am committed to it.
A bit like Level Five communication,
and unconditional love -
it is a risky journey, not a destination.

To laugh is to risk appearing a fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas and dreams before the crowd is to risk their love.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The one who risks nothing does nothing and has nothing – and finally is nothing.
He may avoid sufferings and sorrow.
But she simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow or love.
Chained by his certitude, she is a slave, he has forfeited freedom.
Only one who risks is free!