“We do not believe in ourselves
until someone reveals that deep inside us
something is valuable,
worth listening to,
worthy of our trust,
sacred to our touch.
Once we believe in ourselves
we can risk curiosity,
wonder, spontaneous delight
or any experience
that reveals the human spirit.”
ee cummings
I answer my question
"When did you become an adult?"
with the answer
"When I was around forty years old".
I believed that God loved me
from when I was around 21.
I didn't get it though.
I saw myself as something terrible.
I saw myself as something ugly.
I was right.
I still do.
What I didn't get until I was forty was -
Grace.
I didn't get it that God looked
Beyond behaviour
Beyond education
Beyond inarticulateness
Beyond physical ugliness
Beyond beyond beyond
(I love that word 'beyond')
To see the beautifulness at the core.
Even my core.
Even your core -
that you are beautiful.
I was working with young humans
who were committing
the worst crimes
the worst violence
the worst attitudes
the worst racism
the worst hate
and yet I believed that God loved them.
I used to wear still capped boots to work
because I was scared.
My acid indigestion cup
runneth over
daily
weekly
monthly ...........
I started to tell them
"You are a beautiful human person"
and believed it.
I believe it.
Then
then
I must have seen myself from a new direction
from outside myself
looking at myself
looking at that slob
Looking beyond
and through eyes of
Grace ............
..... and I accepted myself
with all the slobness
with all the thickness
with all the miseducation
with all the mistakes
with all the uglyness
and believed I was beautiful
to God.
..... and I was 40 ............
I waited patiently for the Lord
He inclined and heard my cry
He brought me up out of the pit
Out of the miry clay
I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song
How long to sing this song?
How long to sing this song?
How long...how long...how long...
How long...to sing this song
He set my feet upon a rock
And made my footsteps firm
Many will see
Many will see and fear
I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song
How long to sing this song?
How long to sing this song?
How long...how long...how long...
"40" Song and lyrics by U2
