Today I walked
Only to the local shops
but - I have not walked for weeks
so much
too much driving
Weather avoiding too
flying too - but
But now -
walking good.
must get on my bike too.
I have done too many miles
driving.
£50 a tank
eight hours yesterday
driving the Motorways of England..
Third time to Leicester
the last time.
You know how we use words::
Unpleasant
not good
not very nice?
Positive words undone
turned negative.
Turned nice
when they are not!
Yesterday was not like that
it was horrible.
Mrs Beautiful and me
went up yesterday
4 hours up
4 hours back
third and last time.
Knackered.
Brother Don and his son Stuart met us there.
They/we slaved away doing ugly stuff we never ever want to do.
We had met to clear our deceased brothers flat.
Horrible experience.
The flat was in a terrible mess.
One of 250 flats in a tower.
three rooms
lounge
kitchen
bedroom
bathroom - we never went in.
We just got-on with it when we were in there
but on the way back we had time to think/feel/reflect.
Pretty ugly.
I have car boot full of documents/filofaxes/papers - still in my boot.
Lots to sort through.
Need to close down his legal existence.
Tracing a mans life over 18 + years.
Tracing my brothers life - because I never knew him.
I feel a bit sick now,
not a good thing to do.
I don't feel any real emotion for him.
Yet I feel disturbed.
He chose his lifestyle
yet he his part of me
I part of him.
We know nothing of him,
it would have been a worse
experience if we had,
yet we need to process -
need to close down his life.
Find if there is anything
to pay for the funeral.
Inform systems that he has died.
Inform two people,
if they don't know already,
that he has died.
It is a strange thing to click about.
Yet it is as real as the young human,
yesterday, saying he wants to sleep
and never wake up.
It is as real as the group work I did
with living humans
living on the edge
Christmas being a focus of hell.
Christmas being salt
rubbed into their wounds
their rejection
their separation.
I have always wanted to be as honest here
as I can.
Not just spilling
the exciting
the challenging
the awareness needed
the skills needed
the learning as I breathe .....
but the horrible too.
I am OK
Just reflecting deep.
¸.•*¨*•♪you♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥¸.•*¨*•♪are♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥¸.•*¨*•♪beautiful♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥
