Friday, February 13, 2015

Not in a one-and-special-unique-relationship - Valentine Stuff.

It is a deep hurt if you feel unloveable, 
unlovely, sidelined - 
not in a one-and-special-unique-relationship.

Valentine stuff, as with Christmas, 
hits below the belt.
BUT if we can grasp the reality - 
where we are in terms of human relationships - 
that is a great step forward.

We can only move forward from knowing where we are. 
Ringing in my ears is a great quote from a great man ........ 
"the first task of a leader is to define reality" 
Max Du Prix from the book Leadership Jazz.

Relationships are the beginning of finding a 
one true lasting relationship.
Yet having needs met in a relationship 
ALSO means helping to meet the needs of the other.
We all have needs. 

Striving to meet the needs of the other is no better way 
of building a relationship. 
Lasting. Deep. Loving.

It is always true that some BHP's have not experienced love.
If parents have not known love, 
not loved their child, 
failed to love, 
been unable to love - 
that leaves a child so damaged.
'I am not loved because I am ugly.'
'I feel a deep rejection within me.'

It is like abuse  - it lingers on through life.
It is also reenforced by other humans 
who are not able to love someone 
because of their behaviour.
That builds up into a lack of confidence and low self esteem.
I have worked with humans all my life 
who are incredible talented educated people 
but also have such a poor 'feel' about themselves.
That's why I started saying, some 40+ years ago 
"You are a beautiful human person".

Humans need to work on that fact that they are beautiful - 
and it will never to be discovered by looking in a mirror.
Accepting self is beyond behaviour. 
We are not our behaviour. 
Feelings drive behaviour.
So we need to believe ........ 
believe that we are beautiful at the core DESPITE 
the ugly things we don't like about ourselves 
AND what we suspect others don't like about us.

This is all spiritual stuff. 
All emotional intelligence stuff. 
It is all about they beautiful human inside us - 
trying to get out and live in freedom. 
One person instead of an inner and an outer one.
We need to join the dots.

I was 40 before I accepted myself with all my