Saturday, July 23, 2016

BECOMING QUESTIONS Number 13 - The Answers.

BECOMING QUESTIONS Number 13 - The Answers.

Each week for 16 weeks I am asking everyone if they will answer my question - have a go?
So many have reflected and contributed so beautifully and in vulnerable honesty.

My questions have no wrong answer - only you have the right answer.

The Becoming Question this week was::
1 do you feel You are beautiful?   yes/no ?
2 do you believe you are beautiful ?  yes/no 
Please can you say WHY? Please can you reflect more on each answer?

Here are the answers which have been mailed to me so far - any later arrivals will be added in coming days.

Do i feel beautiful? No
Do I believe I am beautiful? No
I am not beautiful because I'm broken, damaged,
Tarnished, dirty, used..... I was sexually abused. Nothing can undo that
So I can not be beautiful! 
Do I want to be beautiful? 
Not if it means my unbeautiful is displayed for all
To see, not if it means the very people I fear suddenly
Want to be part of my beautifulness and use and abuse me all over again.
Deep question.... But I kind of like that you dare to ask!
No Name

1. Do I feel I am beautiful? 
Not very often, if at all. 
2. Do I believe I am Beautiful? 
Not very often, if at all. 
Too much dirt from the past still sticks. All that blame that was put on me as a child was oh so heavy; Endless years of blaming myself has not been washed off. Still there in the memory bank gnawing away. People putting their anger and spite on me as I’m easy target. Some so intellectual and put their academic spin on everything and miss the basics that people’s lives can be shit. Then blame me for not understanding their intellectuality. I am just too thick it seems. Sometimes it is far too much for some to disengage their intellect to see the rubbish that exists. I want to help to clean it up, give hope, give life, walk alongside, not to sanitise it until it no longer exists in my mind, in my intellect - such as it is. So often feel full of dirt. I see posed pictures from so many where they look so beautiful, with their beautiful lives, all perfect and clean. I am what I am, all that dirt and grime of life. I am not ashamed of it anymore and embrace it now. After all it helps me to “see” and helps me to “understand” and helps me “walk alongside!” That’s all that matters to me.  
The filth of the world sticks. People try to sanitise it to make it seem as though it is alright. It isn’t alright. I support homeless charities & environmental protection charities. I speak up for children who are being abused; people who are being bullied; People whose lives are being trashed who have shown nothing but humility, kindness and love. Always standing in the gap but no idea why. Someone once said I was a real “Barnabas” - only time I felt beautiful inside - as I somehow see what people can be, will be for themselves, rather than what they think they are what others have made them feel about themselves: useless failures.Listening, listening, listening. I might sometimes be beautiful in that. The pain & anguish in folk, the sorrow in their eyes, haunts me. Want to wipe their tears and heal their wounds. The world is beautiful, flowers, butterflies, day and night sky, children laughing and playing, the sea, the birds, animals. But not me. 

I don't feel I am beautiful
The reason I don't feel I am beautiful is because most of my life I was fat, other girls of my age were dating but not me, I was the one that sat and looked after the bags when the lads asked my friends to dance. Because of this, it made me insecure and I never met anyone who I could give my heart too. I am not saying my weight ruined my life because it didn't,
I am happy with the way my life has gone but do miss not having children as the loneliness is very wicked. 

Do I feel beautiful?
No. I think there have been many things that have made me ‘unbeautiful’ recently, like my attitude to others when I’m stressed!! So at the moment, I don’t really feel like a beautiful person, because my actions and words haven’t been so!
Do I believe I’m beautiful?
Hmm, that’s harder!! I think I view beauty as the person ‘inside’, the characteristics, quirks, and how people treat others, I can’t see beauty as being the outside of a person, the shell or body that encompasses who they are, as none of us would ever be beautiful if that were the case. I think I look for beauty in others, as it’s easier to see it than in myself. I can see the beauty in the profoundly disabled youngsters I’ve worked with where society as a whole might struggle with this. I can find it difficult to see beauty in people that don’t treat others or their children in beautiful ways, and whilst I can always see the reasons for this are deep rooted in their own experience, I struggle to see how they can treat their own children like this. And I find it hard to see beauty when I’m on the receiving end of threats to my life (but all in a day’s work!!). Do I believe these people can be beautiful, yes definitely, 1000%!! Do I believe I am, well it probably depends how I think I have acted in that specific day as to whether I believe it. Do I believe I could be beautiful? Yes, but I’m still working on that!!

I rarely feel beautiful because of the mind chatter, self criticisms, self judgements that most of us constantly battle with to find some self. acceptance, I do believe that on an intellectual level the as a human being and part of creation I am beautiful but I find it difficult to get that on a visceral level.
No Name

I am going to focus on beauty as a concept rather than anything physical. 
1. I do not feel I am beautiful because I think that is something others make you feel. There are many people I encounter who do not make me feel as if I'm beautiful by the way they treat me or talk about me. However, I have a few close people who do make me feel beautiful, who are most special to me. I ensure I try to make everyone who is close to me feel beautiful. This is something you taught me when I was training to be a teacher Pip!
2. I believe I am beautiful though. I am a creation of God who made us beautiful; we choose to do ugly actions that tarnishes our beauty. Even though others may not make me feel beautiful, I know I am beautiful because I do beautiful actions with a clear conscience with the intent of serving the creations of God. Just because others don't see this doesn't mean it changes the belief in my beauty. 

I don't think I'm beautiful & never will. However outer beauty & inner beauty are both seen in the eye of the beholder. What is beautiful to me, is different to what is beautiful to someone else. Beauty is everywhere & is subjective. When we find beauty in others & our outer surroundings, in a strange way, we unknowingly beautify as a result. 

Do i feel that i am beautiful?
Not always.
 i don't know about other people but my feelings can be fairly fickle at times. If i spent my life going on my feelings alone... that's not worth thinking about. But now, my feelings are not static; once those feelings wings in, i do choose whether or not to give them 'perch room". I may just want to acknowledge a feeling, feel it for a while, sit with it for a moment, watch to see what happens as a result of that feeling taking up residence in my head/heart, reflect on the consequences of keeping it going, consider alternatives. I can't stop my feelings entirely . But i can decide to do things to change them. That old chestnut about feeding a barking dog, maybe....?
So no, i don't always feel myself to be beautiful. But that doesn't matter as i sometimes do and those moments are increasing. Which is a Good Thing!
The above are my thoughts on the matter.
My feelings? Whoa. Somewhere in the dim and distant past there is still lurking  childhood memories of feeling distinctly not beautiful at all.  But tbh as i grew up and important people in my life affirmed who i am and how i am and loved me anyway. That was enough. So my current feelings are OK discussing beauty, whilst acknowledging some previous pain.
Do i believe that i am beautiful?
I think that  its is on the basis that beauty is something about appreciation. 
So, when my daughter says, "Oh Mum, you are beautiful", what does it do to her when i say 'Oh no I'm not"...? I consider that that reaction belittles her opinions.  Which is bad enough were the daughter to be a child, but when my grown up daughter says that, what other reaction can i have but to say 'thank you'. And then just accept that in her eyes i am beautiful, or maybe just in that specific photo! But crucially that is enough. It's enough for one person to say that.  The rest of the population of my country? Well that is down to other people's opinions. And i can't please everyone, nor do i particularly need to, or want to.
My thoughts are up there.
My feelings? Yup, they are fairly settled about this too. Maybe as my feelings are rooted in a belief system which encourages me to acknowledge that i'm ok? Maybe. I don't know....

It ebbs and flows, the feeling I have for my own beauty and i believe it ties in with how I confident I am feeling, how energetic I am. The knocks I experience of being rejected in my life have cut deeply, aging has added to the doubts. Most recently experiencing the "middle age woman" invisibility category have impacted stopped me in my tracks quite honestly and made me question my beauty........ But this is superficial stuff.  This is when my ego gets the best of me.
Do I think I'm beautiful.  Yes.  When I'm feeling this essence, my "invisible to the eye" energy alters as I see it reflected in the people around me.  There is a warmness that flows through my veins.  My eyesight become more acute, because I have chosen a beautiful lens (inward and outward). Most importantly, when I feel beautiful, I can see it resonate beyond me and out to the world around me.  When I feel beautiful, I feel open hearted....ready to share it with others, particularly with the wounded ones who may be having an ugly day........... 
Beauty is a contagious and potent element......our best way to spread the love we feel of ourselves to the people around us.  It boosts our energy, it connects us to other hearts, and it is the conduit for calming down this wounded world.  One smile at a time.  One hug at a time.  One "You are beautiful" moment at a time.......... We work on ourselves and all the world will benefit.  

Such wondrous deep beautiful answers from these BHP’s - thanking you so much.
NOW I will click my own - which may be known to you if you click this way often. 
I strive to be open about it -  this Beautiful thing
I don’t feel beautiful. I believe I am beautiful.
I FEEL good and positive about so much in my life past/present/future. I could call that feeling beautiful and it is BUT, like all of us, I don’t always feel UP all the time. I have deep pondering about pain, hurt and damage, not about myself particularly, but in empathy with the people I work with. (I do feel I am thick, stupid, uneducated and I accept that as part of my vulnerability - beautiful Imperfection - I say.) BUT because I believe in the beautiful in every soul - ever human person, it helps me to accept my own beautiful. I first started to believe and be outspoken to people about their Beautiful when I was working closely with young offenders back in the day. I moved to that position because I could not be close in relationships with them and their violence, aggression and general behaviour unless I believed they were/are ultimately beautiful. AND I could not say it them, or you, unless I also turned it on my self. ''I am beautiful' is still hard to say but I will and do because I believe it about YOU - and me!
Therefore ‘We can see a persons behaviour but we can’t see their journey’.


Thank you all again for your reflections AND to ALL READERS of the above - I trust you have seen/felt the depth in what people have shared here? 
I hope you will continue to connect here as we continue with questions and answers - and maybe you can consider having a go yourself?