Tuesday, July 25, 2017

I get emails from parents struggling with their own teenage children .........

hi pip my wife came to a course u was holding, she told me u was brill do u help with kids that have anger problems my child is out of control we have had problems with her for over 10 years with no help we dont no where to go for help

Hi - sorry you didn’t give your name
BUT Thank you for making contact.

I really feel with you and know anger very much - being full of it in my youth and also dealing with mainly teenagers since.

You didn’t give the age of your child but teenagers are often outpouring anger.
There are no easy answers for this but it must be of extreme pain to you and your wife & family.

I can only be of help to the people I work with by building a helping relationship and through that being able to ask questions and dig deep with them to enable to release themselves.

I tell people ‘youarebeautiful’.
'We can see a persons behaviour but we can’t see their inner life, their journey, their experiences.’
Even though this is your child you can’t see what goes on in their life unless they share - and parents are ‘old’ ‘out of touch’ however loving and concerned you are !

Try saying positives all the time and not criticisms - ignore the negative behaviour and love the person and say so.
Maybe there is only 1% but concentrate on that - look for the positives. You may see new things rather than see/feel the anger.
She/he needs to know they are loved despite behaviour.

I have read a book called ‘The Teenage Brain’ twice.
I think it is good whatever the age of the child/teen/adult.

There are people in Mental Health services - who maybe your partner knows?
These people maybe able to help you and your child?
Maybe counselling?

If your child won’t agree to seeking help at the moment - maybe you can seek the help?

Please feel free to come back at me if you need to.

AND stay beautiful yourself/s - the stress you live with is vital for your well being and your child.

Thank you for you openness and passion to work through this  - with this special beautiful child of yours.


thanks for getting back to me Pip - she is 20 she just hangs around with people that dont want to work and r lazy she is very lazy and does things to wind us up damage things steals from us in r face all the time she as lost 3 jobs we just cant see her changing how can u love some one who treats us like rubbish as long as we say yes to everything she is fine as soon as we say no she kicks off
At 20 years old her brain is still developing - it’s all there but all the connections are not in place.
It is like the trying to use the remote on the TV for her and all the buttons don’t work.
The last parts to connect in the brain are the social & emotional understanding & communication.

I know a man who has dementia.
His behaviour can be nasty and he can do odd things - behave insensitively.
Since I found out about his condition - UNDERSTANDING helps me 
to be forgiving of him and sensitive to him 
Whatever the behaviour.
If you understand what she is going through - it will help in a big way.

Regarding LOVE.
We rightly don’t like her behaviour but it is vital to see beyond the behaviour to see the hurting person inside.
She must be rally hurting and her brashness and being ‘lazy’ are just masks to hide her true feelings.

LIKE has an on/off switch 

Love has no OFF switch 

AS hard as it is for you - why not try to love her in words and actions.
Give her something she loves - a little gift - a treat.
Maybe once a week.
Unconditional LOVE 
Give her something/a treat - not so she will behave better - use only with loving words ……

"I am giving you this because I love you ……"

She will see it in your face because 50% of communication is in your face.
Why not try it ……….
You have nothing to lose ……...
Try it

Below - your daughter is in the middle section - her biggest influences are her peers/mates - she will grow through this

We can never change someone’s behaviour - only they can do that.
We can change our own.