Friday, June 08, 2018

17 men explain why they were too afraid to seek help for their mental illness





17 men explain why they were too afraid to seek help for their mental illness




ILLUSTRATION REQUEST: Brown men don’t cry – how a culture of shame stops South Asian men talking about mental health (Rupen Gahir Kalsi)

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Just over three out of four suicides – a staggering 76% – are carried out by men, with suicide being the biggest cause of death for men under 49.
12.5% of men in the UK are suffering from a mental illness, and sadly, many are suffering in silence.
It’s shocking that in 2018, toxic masculinity is still very much alive, and while there are many other contributing factors to men’s mental illness, there is still an underlying expectation that men should simply ‘man up’.
Men are nearly three times more likely than women to become alcohol dependent, and are more likely to use illegal drugs as a way of coping.
They are also less likely to access psychological therapies than women.
Metro.co.uk decided to find out why this is still happening. We spoke to 17 men who have either not spoken out about their mental health or have taken a long time to.
Each man told us exactly what they were afraid of in terms of opening up and seeking help for mental illness – and the explanations are eye-opening.

Steve, 44, suffers with depression

‘I find it hard to talk to family about it for fear of receiving hollow pity; I can’t talk to work about it as it would harm my career and my friends don’t know because I think they would look down on me if they did.’

Jonny felt alone with his mental illness

‘My overwhelming feeling or memory of it was the loneliness in a crowded room, never being able to connect with anyone.
‘Even though you are screaming in the inside, society has told you to be strong and your comfort is second to how everyone else feels.’

Tom, 20, was scared to speak out

‘I felt trapped, and thought no one would believe me if I explained how I felt… so I bottled it up for years and years until it just got too much for me.
‘I’m now seeking therapy, and when I realised my problems were real, I felt almost relieved, and motivated to change them and get better.’

It took Jon, 40, 20 years to seek help

‘It took me over 20 years to talk about my psychotic episode and Dad’s suicide due to the ridiculous stigma associated with mental health.
‘However, after the death of a friend to post-natal depression in 2016 I didn’t care what people thought, and by sharing my story, I know it will and has helped others.
‘I guess my main worry was that it would affect my career prospects and people would think that I wouldn’t be a good Dad (now a very happy Dad of two kids).’

Tim, 36, was worried talking about his mental health would brand him a ‘failure’

‘I suppose I struggled with talking about my mental health problems because I was worried people would think me as a failure as man, failure of a person, failure of adult etc, like if I couldn’t handle everything life chucks at without help, like everyone else does, you’re a failure.’

Jamie, 26, suffers with anxiety

‘For me, I was worried that people wouldn’t think I was good enough at my job or couldn’t cope.
‘It’s only afterwards that I realised that I wasn’t the only one feeling like that but at the time, I felt incredibly alone and weak for feeling the way I did.
‘Since then, I’ve had some counselling and found an employer who makes positive mental health and awareness a key part of their business which has been fantastic.’

Chris, 43, struggled to face the fact he was struggling

‘My biggest fear was not what others would think of me but what I would think of myself… that’s what scared me the most.’

22-year-old Jay felt his family had a lot to do with him not speaking out

‘I’d seen how patronising, distant or uncaring my family had been when another one of us had serious mental illness – I knew telling them would get the same response, it wouldn’t help and I didn’t want to risk it.’

Brian, 56, says many still don’t know about his depression

‘I’ve been so embarrassed with having depression that virtually no one knows of my condition’.

Wayne, 58, has been struggling with depression and anxiety for 30 years

‘I took 6 overdoses and tried to get myself run over on the motorway. It took me 15 years for me to ask for help because back then it wasn’t cool for a man to suffer. I’m a lot better now and living with this illness the best I can.’

Ben, 16, was worried speaking out would mean he was an ‘attention seeker’

‘I was worried that people would think I was looking for attention by speaking about my experiences and asking for help.’


Kevin, 41, says his depression made him feel ashamed

‘I was ashamed to admit that I was depressed because it made me feel like a failure’.

Mark, 19, has struggled with mental illness for most of his life

‘It got much worse when starting university. Most days I can’t get out of my room due to panic attacks & depression.
‘I find it hard to speak up and get help since I’ve been ridiculed about it and told to “get a grip and deal with it” in the past.’

Will, 59, was fearful about speaking out about his anxiety

‘I worked as a Civil Servant, from age 19 until I left two years ago at 57, in a department that was seen as macho (for want of a better word) by those working in it.
‘I was always fearful of speaking about my anxiety and low mood as it was seen as a sign of weakness, that you were not much of “a man” if you said you felt low or anxious.
‘I remember one staff review when I told my boss that I had been assessed by my doctor as having depression her response was a muttered “Oh God” under her breath as if my illness was a problem for the team and that somehow I was a weak link.’


Andy, 45, suffered in silence for three months

‘I suffered in silence for around 3 months mainly due to the misconception of “’major depression” & what people would think and say “are you sure it’s depression“ “what have you got to be depressed about?” “There’s nothing wrong with you you’re just tired”.
‘I’ve also a eating disorder this time round and I’ve lost over 3st in weight so I’ve been scared to go out ironically because I felt people stare and ask me questions about my weight loss and I was lying as to why I’d lost weight.’

27-year-old Dan was worried he’d be judged for his mental illness

‘I was worried about how I’d be judged for being a man and needing help as it isn’t something you hear of. And how people’s perception of me would completely change just because I admit I’m struggling in aspects of my life.
‘I’ve always felt I had to be strong because of me being a man so admitting help was the hardest thing for me to come to terms with.’

Jonathon, 41, has borderline personality disorder

‘I was concerned that it would make people around me uncomfortable, especially women. No man wants to be seen as needy and emotional.’
These answers prove that we need to be doing more for men’s mental health. We need to make sure men realise that it is not ‘unmanly’ to suffer, and that they are very much human. Their feelings are just as valid as women’s.
We need to be more supportive of men, to let them know that they are not alone and that seeking help is the best thing you can do when you’re struggling.
If you are a man and you’re struggling with your mental health, please speak to someone you trust – whether that’s a friend or a family member. Book an appointment with your GP who will be able to discuss treatment options with you.
If you need to talk, call Samaritans on 116 123.
Don’t suffer in silence when you don’t have to.
To talk about mental health in a private, judgement-free zone, join our Mentally Yours Facebook group. 


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