my heart so thoroughly and irreparably broken

"And I felt like my heart had been so thoroughly and irreparably broken 

that there could be no real joy again, 

that at best there might eventually be 

a little contentment. 

Everyone wanted me to get help and rejoin life, 

pick up the pieces 

and move on, and 

I tried to, 

I wanted to, 

but I just had to lie in the mud 

with my arms wrapped around myself, 

eyes closed, 

grieving, 

until 

I didn’t have to anymore." 

— Anne Lamott

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This small gem of a book pictures how many people find themselves sucked into rules and constraints which stops them from freely living. In an age of assessment, of value added measurement, of examinations and tests, this book questions where it is all leading to!

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I want to feel what l feel.

I want to feel 

what l feel. 

What's mine. 

Even if it's not happiness. 

Because you're all you've got. 

Toni Morrison

I have posted this quote on Twitter/Facebook recently.

I wanted to save it until now

because I want to reflect upon it.

I feel it demands that of me.

'I WANT TO FEEL' ...... it says.

The reality of feelings - they live in us.

A God given part of the design - 

if we believe in any designer Divine involvement.

We have them wether we like it or not.

Wether we like some or dislike others - they are in there.

And often they come out - made visible - even physical 

called behaviour.

Sometimes they feel tough and we hide.

Duvet dive.

Isolate.

Quiet.

Keep ourself to our self!

Sometimes the same/similar feelings

result in behaviour such as::

aggression

put downs

raised volume

snapping

violence

bitter words ......

I remember, in the last series of Big Brother reality TV in the UK,

one of the contestant had been put through a real emotional testing time.

When he had completed the task given he said::

"I don't know what to feel".

It seems to me that we don't have a choice in 'what to feel'

because feelings are feelings and we don't chose them at all.

What I consider he meant to say was::

"I don't know how to express how I feel".

Sometimes feelings can be so intense that we cannot explain in words.

To be able to articulate emotions is called Emotional Literacy.

We maybe adequate in most of our lives but not so good at expressing feelings to another - 

worse still ........ TO OURSELVES.

I honestly believe that relationship breakdowns and workplace conflicts can be managed

if we develop the awareness and skills of Emotional Literacy.

I believe we can ALL change.

Fundamental.

I am not talking about CONTROL.

Controlling emotions is suppressing emotions.

Really going for it in terms of feeling emotions

is part of not Controlling but Managing emotions.

So we seek them out, feel them. 

Own them. Learn to articulate them.

Not be scared of them.

Decide how to behave with them.

And be more beautiful

for self

and others.

Emotional Intelligence is a life-times journey.

These are only words.

Not as easy as words on your screen BUT

well worth the journey of discovery.

I want to feel 

what l feel. 

What's mine. 

Even if it's not happiness. 

Because you're all you've got. 

So that quote again.

The bit about 'unhappiness'

is the most important it seems to me.

If we work at those, 
in terms of our Emotional Intelligence,

the learning can be so much more beautiful 
- fulfilling - 

becoming into wholeness indeed.

Maskless vulnerability.

“ We are sick as we are secret”

- John Berryman

As the violence and the loudness, 

the oppression, 

the killing at home or abroad – happens 

I have decided to make my life an act of love.

Let us join the vulnerable babe this 

Christmas season. 

Maskless vulnerability.

So love can get in.

So love can get out.

There was something kicking off. Violence

Dreams, 

I am told, 

are significant.

The mind alive as we sleep.

Let me tell you about the only one 
I remember::

DREAM 6 DECEMBER 2012

I woke and jumped out of bed in mili-second because I had severe cramp in my left calf.

It felt like my calf had turned into solid steel.

Painful in extreme

yet only located in this one place.

As I awoke 

I walked up and down quickly, limping, grimacing, gasping for breath and - 

remembered I was having a dream and could remember it as I walked and jumped up and down as the pain subsided::

In a foreign country unfamiliar.

I was trying to help people who were in some sort of conflict.

I was in a street not familiar with.

There was something kicking off.
Violence, potential escalating trouble in this street.

I called to passing Policemen and they turned out to be bad guys.

I woke as I was pulling back one of the Police by his leg - he was trying to climb through a window which I was trying to protect/defend.

It was a tense/aggressive incident.

In the middle of my, now awake thinking and walking up and down to get rid of the cramp, I scribbled some notes down about the dream.

I always forget details of my dreams. These notes helped me to recall the above.

Advice given to me about my gout issues are related to all this. The gout is uric acid not being filtered by the kidneys and it naturally goes to the extremities to protect vital organs - in my case my feet - or legs when I am asleep.

It seems that I over produce adrenaline sometimes.

The Doctor just gives me pain killers/anti-inflamatory tablets.

So I have a regular bi-monthly visits to a homeopath. 

She has asked me lots of questions and has been able to understand me - I am trying to understand me too!

Since these consultations the severe attacks, which leave me unable to walk, have ended but I still get swellings and pain in one of my feet. Sometimes making me limp but able to continue with life and work.

When I have been working in intense situations I have experienced symptoms afterwards. 

When I was working in South Africa for instance. 

A three day facilitation of a training course.

It's me who gets intense because I give everything I have.

This is about the only physical ailment I have or experience at the moment.

And yet it is tied very much to the emotional/spiritual - with physical impact!

It has been interesting to learn about myself ............ ongoing/incomplete/becoming human - me!

My LIFE in 2013

I am going to get my life together in 2013.

I slipped up in the previous multiple years.

It was all new to me.

Every one.

I fumbled.

I stumbled.

I wept.

I was inflicted with change.

I was thrown hard balls.

I am alive - 

still.

Year dot to 2012 was full of change.

some days/weeks really tough,

but

I am just being dramatic.

But 

it was full of change

and I feel good about the year/s.

but...............

Ten year ago

I never thought 

we would be living

in a different Wilson Mansions.

I never thought I would be 

out of full time employment

(since I was 15 years old).

I never thought I would be 

a totally freelance facilitator/educator.

I never thought I would be

a Grandad.

And there has been

many more changes.

Largely through challenges.

My internal Pip

has 

changed,

developed,

become more fragile,

become more sensitive,

become more yearning,

become more seeking,

become more reflective,

become more ............

I wonder what your thoughts are

on this?

I guess you regularly suss me out.

Alongside yourself.

maybe try to understand me.

alongside yourself

- me too.

I have never come to terms

with the 'R' word.

Some people still say it.

Never having seen me

for some years,

they use it.

Some think,

because I left community leadership

nearly 10 years ago, that I had retired

(damn - I have used that word!!)

Some think that, 

because I have moved out of London,

that I have 'R'.

I admit that I don't relish the thought

don't relish that state

don't relish not being able to be active

doing what I passionately desire to do.

In 2013 I will carry on gigging.

I will carry on writing

I will carry on becoming emotionally literate/intelligent.

I will carry on becoming more spiritually literate/intelligent.

I will carry on meeting humans.

I will carry on supporting the wounded.

I will carry on learning vulnerability.

I will carry on refreshing my irritation.

I will carry on seeking Shalom

I will carry on learning, reading, interacting,

Greenbelting

One day some of these will fade away.

I need to come to terms with this.

That, and other decisions,

will be my focus today.

I will learn how to type 2013.

I will ride my bike daily

I will.

(unless I am away, 

or weather is wicked)

I WILL.

I will be a good Grandad.

I WILL.

I will learn to live on a Pension

I will have to.

I WILL.

I will read daily.

I will pray with every breath.

I will eat healthier.

I will love.

I will love the unlovely.

I will learn.

I will journey

I will remind you 'you are beautiful'

I will become well travelled

internally

in relationships

in values

in love.

I WILL.

Welcome into my life,

dear 2013.

I will receive your hard balls,

welcome your 

challenges

changes

unthinkables

unwantables

undesirables.

I WILL

I WILL

THIS CHRISTMAS 'HOLIDAY'

* and then I think

*of the beautiful humans

*who live in homeless hostels

*who are dysfunctional in relationships

*who are in conflict with family

*who are rejected by family

*who have dependancy issues

*who are with humans they don't want to be with

*who stop me in the street

and boast about their

new place to sleep

because it is under a stairwell

with an air-con extract

= warmth

= during this Christmas ...............

░Y░O░U░A░R░E░B░E░A░U░T░I░F░U░L░░

░Y░O░U░A░R░E░B░E░A░U░T░I░F░U░L░░

FEELING LOVE. SENDING IT TO YOU

The King of Shalom/in swaddling clothes/Invasion of Love/Waging Peace.
Happy Christmas
#YouAreBeautiful

Letter to Santa.