Wednesday, June 30, 2021

One year ago TODAY


I was sat on the tube train.
It has been 16 weeks in lockdown since this happened.
I was with my beloved on this occasion.

I felt like moving my hand over on to her lap.

I didn't.
I clocked the feeling though.
It made me think.
Sometimes in bed in a morning, 
those silent moments 
before the mind follows the body out of slumber 

I just flop my arm over to her and she strokes it!
In other occasions, 
like on a flight - in the car, 
I do that - she does that.


One of my two remaining brothers
lost his wife last week.
Bless you Pat.
She was a great adult friend to me
in my teenage years.

I used to call on her for a chat
on my way home after BB - Youth Work project.
An adult friend to me
as my brother - her husband, 
was in the forces in Egypt.


It made me think
There are lots of little things which we would miss 
if we lost our partner.

Not just the big things.

That day on the tube - I felt - I thought::
Thank God for feelings
Thank God for reflections.
Thank God for that touch of a hand.

I feel I can stretch out my hand towards God at anytime.
Feel that comforting response.
Maybe it is our finger tips which are touching.
............... always a response ................


I am sipping pink wine.
Clicking to you - 
MrsBeautiful is reading a book.

Strange woman - 
she reads one book at a time.

I have about seven or eight books on the go - 
I dip!

I am clicking lockdown keys
in our flat lounge 
with my Mac on my knee - 
I have

Music in my ears which you can listen to FREE
right now every day.
WORLDWIDEfm radio - a Gilles Peterson creation.

I have beautiful vibes plugged into my soul ……. 


I don’t feel ill
I am alive - even if there is cancer inside.
I am 'kicking darkness
until it bleeds daylight.'
(Bruce Cockburn lyric)


U2 have just sent me a DVD
of the final gig of their tour
‘Live in Berlin'



Friday, June 25, 2021

BLOB FOOTBALL / SOCCER .........a download her INSTANT


This is just a slice from a bigger - 


- more detailed Blob Tool

Get people engaged in the::


Youth Club

Team Meeting

Ice Breaker

Street Corner


Football Team Training

Developmental Group Work


Download it free and use it in in many contexts /times / ways

There is also a FREE 'How to use' manual




Being able to PAUSE and THINK

Tuesday, June 15, 2021

TRY - JUST TRY ........................


Many unusual emotions going on in this one

I am feeling a range of feelings as I am adapting to a new range of human assistance as the medication ones become more needed. 
I am so tired so many times. 
I don’t see many BHP’s as was normal. 
When I get one call on me I seem to have energy to enjoy the encounter………. Then afterwards I feel flat & drained. 

Forgive me for not being in touch with so many who make life worth living - my responses are slow or forgetful. 

Stay with me. 
I need your input. 
I need my friends even though you may have experienced little from me sometimes. 



Sunday, June 13, 2021


 I have encountered so many feelings within me over many years.

I have only started to manage them when I was around 40. Before then I was a reactor - allowing my feelings to dictate my responses to any given situation. I am still learning everyday, as an Emotion Detective, but since CANCER came into my life I am having to accept new feelings and begin a new area of discovery and management &, believe me, it is demanding radical change.

Side affects he started to impact me alongside my increasing need of medication. Whereas the first half of my time with cancer had little demands on my life lived but NOW ........... I cannot ignore the many changes in my body and my new FEELINGS.

Firstly a big positive is - I am pain free. HOWEVER ............... Tough times exist which are beyond physical pain - sleepless nights - memory loss - mood swings - desire to nod off all the time - (and I can't drive)  a total take-over of my body leaving me with lack of focus and direction = eventually/currently pain free ......... but I wrestle with changing side affects which need their own medication!

The current Xtandi medication I am on for three months "to see if he can tolerate it". This is a handful of tablets to be taken every morning after food - the object being to hold back the cancer growth - not cure. There is no cure.

Joan my beloved has been my residential carer. With wings on her back. My everything when I have a mist not a mind.

BUT my feelings still exist. More extreme than normal life. Medication making life more complex.

Life is ongoing. I will keep you in touch - both health-wise and trying to understand it all emotionally.

Stay/Pray with me ...............................


When I get something like this it lightens my life.

Friday, June 11, 2021

I have climbed highest mountains I have run through the fields Only to be with you


“Creating the music for one of the biggest sports events in the world together with Bono and The Edge has been an incredible experience. I’m very proud of what we did together and excited to finally share it with the world,” said Garrix in a statement.

‘We Are The People’ reminds us that a song can look at the challenges facing the world at a given time and still attempt a unified response. It is a hymn sheet from which we can all sing wherever we may come from. ‘We Are The People’ hopes to reflect the positivity, hope and determination required for any team to succeed, as well as offer a sense of togetherness that fits the theme of UEFA EURO 2020: Unity. 

For the first time in the UEFA European Football Championship, commonly referred to as UEFA Euro 2020 history, the tournament is being played across the continent in 11 host cities instead of one country. This includes Amsterdam, Baku, Bucharest, Budapest, Copenhagen, Glasgow, London, Munich, Rome, Saint Petersburg and Seville, with the first match kicking off at the Stadio Olimpico in Rome on June 11, 2021, where Turkey will face Italy. 

The final will take place at Wembley Stadium, London on July 11, 2021. The EURO 2016 was held in France.

Next to the official track, Garrix has also produced the official walkout and broadcast music for the tournament. Released on his 25th birthday on May 14, the song is a testament to his impressive march through the ranks of the music industry so far. Every UEFA EURO Championship since 1992 has had an official song with the likes of Nelly Furtado, Simply Red, and Enrique Iglesias providing the tournament’s soundtrack in the past.

“The long wait is almost over and we are delighted to officially unveil the official song for UEFA EURO 2020 ‘We Are The People’, which features some of the world’s most celebrated artists in Martin Garrix, Bono and The Edge,” said UEFA marketing director Guy-Laurent Epstein.

I have climbed highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you
I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
Burning like a fire
This burning desire

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I believe in the kingdom come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
But yes I'm still running

You broke the bonds
And you loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame
Oh my shame
You know I believe it
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

Songwriters: Paul David Hewson, Adam Clayton, Larry Mullen, Dave Evans, Victor Reina
For non-commercial use only.
Data From: Musixmatch


Thursday, June 10, 2021

SPOT family involvement

Senior Editor Producer
I am proud of our girls
in this case Ann 
delivering a TV programme under pressure.

U2 will feature too
NOT in this pop music programme but with an input of music & creativity before the FOOTBALL kicks off tonight.

Euro sport and U2 - can't beat it !


“How are you? many cliche - “Imperfect” I say

Tuesday, June 08, 2021

TREATMENT FOR CANCER - this in the news today/I am 2 weeks into taking these meds.


Stumbled upon this today.

Xtandi suddenly becomes news. I am into my second week of taking 4 tablets a day - for life - if the TREATMENT goes well.

It is in the news today - have a read::

So far enzalutamide has been used as a so-called "COVID-friendly" cancer drug as patients can take it at home.

Some men with prostate cancer could live longer thanks to immunotherapy
Prostate Cancer UK has welcomed the news. 

Thousands of men are set to benefit from a new prostate cancer drug which has been approved for use on the NHS.

The National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (Nice) has recommended enzalutamide as an option for treating some types of the disease.

Prostate Cancer UK said the news was welcome for thousands of men, especially those who are unable to have chemotherapy.

The drug has been used during the pandemic as a so-called "COVID-friendly" cancer drug, which patients can take at home instead of needing intravenous medication in a health setting.

Now new draft guidance from Nice should enable wider use.

The guidance says the drug, also known as Xtandi and made by Astellas, can be used with androgen deprivation therapy (ADT), as an option for treating hormone-sensitive metastatic prostate cancer in adults.

More on Cancer

Major ovarian cancer screening trial fails to show any reduction in deaths
New breast cancer jab cuts treatment time from two-and-a-half hours to five minutes
Cancer research: Tiny pill cameras that can film tumours in the gut to be trialled by NHS
Home smear tests to be trialled by thousands of women in bid to detect cervical cancer cases
COVID-19: More than 100,000 cancer patients in the UK struggling to pay for basic essentials, says charity
Mother of toddler with rare cancer urges parents to 'trust instincts' and seek help
Angela Culhane, chief executive at Prostate Cancer UK, said: "This is fantastic news for thousands of men with advanced prostate cancer, especially those who have additional illnesses that make them unsuitable for chemotherapy.

"It finally guarantees them access to a treatment which is just as effective as chemotherapy and can give them back precious time with their families."

There are an estimated 8,500 men who will be able to access the drug, which works by blocking the effect of the hormone testosterone on prostate cancer cells.

Without testosterone, the prostate cancer cells cannot grow, even if they have spread to other parts of the body.

Clinical trials have shown that the treatment increases the time until the disease gets worse and how long people live.

Meindert Boysen, deputy chief executive and director of the Centre for Health Technology Evaluation at Nice, said: "Enzalutamide plus ADT offers another option for people with hormone-sensitive metastatic prostate cancer, especially for people who cannot have docetaxel, or who choose not to have it because of its side effects.


....... for so much support ..................... needing it ............


I am into my second week on this DRUG

Friday, June 04, 2021

About numbing our EMOTIONS

The big big problem is::
When we numb our unwanted feelings  
We also numb the positive feelings. 

We can’t selectively numb emotions. 

We need to learn how to manage all feelings,
The positive 
The negative. 

Welcoming all feelings. 
Deciding how to manage everyone. 

Become - join me - BECOME an




Thursday, June 03, 2021

BIG #RugbyLeague /@Saints game tomorrow BBC TV

We are big life time supporters and if we win this game on BBC TV SATURDAY we will be in the Wembley final. 

Played the game in the local park since I was 5 years old and many teams since then. 
We are supporters for life. So these coming days are nervy exciting times. 

🎼🎵.•*¨*•♪🎵♫•*¨*•.¸¸¸.•*¨*•♪🎵♫•*¨*•.¸¸¸.when ♫•*¨*• ♫•*¨*•.¸¸¸.•* the ♫•*¨*• SAINTS ♫•*¨ ♫•*¨*•.¸ go¸¸.•* ♫•*¨*• marching ♫•*¨*•.¸¸¸.•* in ♫•*¨*•.¸¸¸.•* ♫  


Wednesday, June 02, 2021

1985 the whole family moved into this 11 story tower block called Romford YMCA - to be my home & workplace.


I have many various feelings as I reflect.

I didn’t go to work on my first day.
I went to my Auntie Mary’s funeral.
My Mothers sister.

We had moved in a few days before.
I remember my Juke Box being loaded into the lift
unusual sight

to see it disappearing upwards to the second floor.

We moved into the staff flat on the second floor.
The block is, still is, eleven floors
accommodating 150 beautiful young humans.

We were MrsBeautiful
The Sheilas - Ann and Joy.
Ann still at school
Joy at the London College of Fashion.

We had moved a few miles east from Canning Town - London E16

Full of feelings - as I have now as I reflect.
I remember standing in our flat lounge.
Looking out over the roof of our big sports hall.
Looking left we could see greenery  - some open space.
Also we could see the narrow band of water called the River Rom.
It felt liberating
as we had lived in a concrete city for ten years.
I breathed deep.

There is a pile of reflections about this period of my life/our life

topped up with reflections of our journey into and with Romford YMCA.

This book was first published in those early days of Romford Y

It was a kaleidoscope of feelings in those early days.
Leaving Canning Town, leaving friends, an emotional and geographical shift.
A new job. A new book - my first book.
A sense of freedom - a new challenge - a stretch into developing new skills.
I breathe deeply now ………….