Yasmin Riculfy, a student at Bammel Middle School, listens to her teacher on April 20, 2018.
Pu Ying Huang for The Texas Tribune
HOUSTON—Two years ago, Bammel Middle School students were oftenfighting
each other in the hallways when the bell rang, and teachers who lost
control of their classrooms were regularly handing out three-day
suspensions.
These days,more students and teachers report being
happy at the Spring ISD school north of Houston, and the number of
three-day out-of-school suspensions dropped from 94 last school year to
47.
Principal La'Quesha Grigsby attributes the improvement to a simple
schedule change at the beginning of this academic year: a carve-out of
35 minutes twice a week for teachers and students to circle up and talk
about their feelings.
Bammel Middle School is one of a growing number of
Texas schools that have adopted "restorative justice,"
which encourages
students and teachers to talk through their problems and build stronger
relationships in order to prevent conflict and violence before it
happens.
"Sometimes those behaviors we see as discipline problems really are
because the student is struggling with their academics,"
Grigsby said.
"We're in a situation where we have to do something drastic ... because
what we've been doing is not working."
I am on a Train. I am not nervous I am focused I am not stressed I am not pressured I am calm I am on a Train.
I am on the edge I am in the centre I am prepared I am on a Train.
I have done all I can I am flexible I am free I am on a Train.
I am going to a gig I will play my part I expect the spectacular Humans becoming Taking risks for development Humans stretched Humans blessed I am on a Train.
I don't expect all to go as planned I expect to busk it at times
I am on a Train. L2 I am feeling beautiful (imperfection) L4 These humans are stars L3 Oscar deserving stars L3 I feel vulnerable L4 .... but I believe that the most valuable human gifts are rooted in vulnerability L5
( search this website with 'L5' or 'Level Five' & you will get some good stuff about L5) I am on a train ..................
This was hand written on the train It is over 12+ hour day and beautifully satisfying wonderment wondrous
Remembering the weekend just gone? I was not relaxed I was in a place called uncomfortable. After that I was cool and even in the travel and the midst of the day focused totally committed. I do that I have the tension in the prep.
But I return to 44 new e Mails and 150 before that that is when I get the pressure I love the focus the work with humans it is the other stuff ............
These are some of the answers I recieved ............
MY QUESTION WAS::
Will you decide on using a different word when people ask ‘how are you’?
instead of saying a cliche - ‘Fine’ or ‘Good’
Can you decide and use your new cliche word?
Will you THEN write in an email telling me the story of what happened?
What word you decided to use and why?
THEN how it has worked out in practice?
Please will you give it a go?
Here are all the responders/reflectors/Becomers WONDROUS contributions.
Answers:
I
think whilst I didn’t try explicitly with a different answer this week,
there are times when I answer this question properly, and say how I
really am, depending on the person who asks! I think that is key to me,
because if I feel that the person who asks is a good friend, I would
tell them truthfully how I am doing, and what is going on.
I’m
the sort of person who likes to be honest and open, and treasure that
when it is reciprocated. I find that I will re-phrase the question to
some people with how are you doing, or how are you feeling. I know a
colleague lost their pet this week, so I asked how they were feeling.
They weren’t able to answer at that time, but could talk later about
feelings.
Love
two way conversations about feelings, and often find that as soon as I
am more open then the other person feels safe enough to be as well.
V
I
could not do this. I do not open up to people about myself unless I am
truly connected to them and trust them. This week I gave only
superficial answers to the question of 'how are you?', because I didn't
encounter any of the people in my life who know the true me and I can
open up to.
Z.H. A
while ago I actively decided to try not to reply with “I’m fine” when
people asked me. However, on occasion I do still - if it is someone I
don’t feel I want to engage with at that particular time, or if I’m not
really thinking. I sometimes correct myself if I have answered I’m fine and that’s not really true.
I
do try to answer honestly - with I’m very busy but life is good. Or
things aren’t too bad thanks, they could be worse, or things are looking
up or I’m actually really good thanks!
The
past few weeks it’s been more a case of I’m a bit croaky but I’m ok
thank you… (I’ve had a very husky/croaky voice) or if they look worried
“I’m ok thanks, I’m not infectious!"
Then again there are some people I will be more honest and open with -
those who know the background story more already… but then we tend to
skip to what’s been happening quite quickly...
Remember the words are only part of what is expressed - a lot is said non verbally!
It is rare I say I’m fine - but if I do then potentially i do actually mean it!!
Katie
Interesting
question, this one. Some time ago, I decided I wanted to be as open and
honest as I could and the standard 'I'm fine' was something I wanted to
tackle. However, I quickly discovered that most people really only want
that standard answer. Receiving an honest 'I'm not too great today'
left people a bit flummoxed (isn't that a fab word?!) not knowing how to
respond.
So,
I have 2 levels of communication here - 'I'm fine' or 'doing okay
thanks' as a reply to those who, in passing, just want to share a polite
greeting. Those I know, with whom I have -or am trying to build- a
somewhat deeper relationship, I might smile and say 'do you really want
to know?' or I will respond honestly 'feeling a bit low today' or
whatever. The non-standard route takes more time and energy to engage,
so a busy corridor or a classroom might not be the appropriate context.
On
the flip side, I have been known to ask how someone is and if I get
'I'm fine' I might just counter with a 'really?' and then make space
immediately or time later to listen ... I'm pretty intuitive when people
are not okay.
Jill
I
decided to answer as honestly as possible when asked - So today I
answered I'm feeling full of anxiety and am very stressed this opened up
conversation with my brother about, our past , stuff that happened in
our up bringing etc, stuff that we both did with our kids that we felt
ashamed about. A very liberating conversation.
No Name
When
I'm asked the question "how are you?" I'm aware that the success of the
conversation lies predominantly in how I answer, as I have the
opportunity to set the tone. If I give a generic answer,the person I'm
speaking to may lose interest consciously or subconsciously and the
conversation can seem more like an exchanging of courtesy items instead
of deep, engaging matters. Because I am interested in psychology I don't
always like people asking me if I'm okay, as I prefer to solely focus
on how others are feeling. Thus, sometimes when I'm asked "how are you?"
I don't reply and instead I ask "well, how are you?" Their usual reply
is that "they're fine" and so, I finally reply with "then, I'm fine
because you are". This instantly makes them feel more comfortable. And
what's more is that I can identify who genuinely cares about knowing how
I feel. If the individual gets annoyed that I don't answer properly,
then they genuinely wish to know how I'm feeling instead of asking out
of courtesy! Thanks!
Simran
I decided I would reply with my anchor word for 2016: "renewed!"
I
was excited to try this experiment this past week with the people I
met. I wanted to see their reactions. But two things happened.
1) I am so conditioned to reply with "fine thank you," when asked how I am that I forgot to use my new reply word !
2)
I am an Educational Assistant and we are off now on summer holidays so I
am not encountering as many people to try this experiment on! But I
will not give up...to be continued!
Karyne
Right
now in my life, it is far easier to duck this kind of a question. Where
to start? How to actually get the words out? The poor folk are possibly
only being polite after all!
But.....it's
a fair question. How am i with others? Is it actually fair to keep
people who know and love me at arms length? And what about people who
don't know me? I'm giving them a bland and a not very realistic
impression of who i am. So
having ducked this question for ages, i intentionally gave it my very
best shot and chose a weekend when i was far away from my home town to
practice. On the basis that if i sounded an idiot then at least in all
probability i'd not be seeing those people again. "FullaStuff" was the nearest i could get.
'Coz
i am, full of stuff that is. There is just so much going on right now
in my life. It's mostly all good, change and new starts in lots of
parts, massive No Entry signs in others, new grandchildren, elderly
parent situations, relatives dying. Change. Good change. Bad change.
Just change. So i took a big breath and used the new cliche word at each and every opportunity, as asked.
It
had a remarkable effect and one that i wasn't quite ready for. What
could have been "Hi, Bye" occasions turned into conversations and on two
occasions total strangers wanted to settle down for chats, serious
chats about serious matters. So we did.
Reflecting
on this still causes me to feel vulnerable, scared almost. I think that
at this time i don't want to say anything that could be misconstrued as
saying how i really feel. Because right now i don't know how i feel. At
all. And maybe i'm one of those people who takes time to process
emotions, maybe there are so many emotions swirling around that i can't
unpick them all?
NO NAME
I thought of a response like: “all my eggs are boiling” – “not sure which ones are going to be hard boiled?”
But I was only asked the “how are you” question once, when walking across the office car park after work on Friday:
(it is not an office type question)
I slipped back into my standard “ok”,
But then recounted a story that proved that I had given the wrong answer,
Or was being ‘economical with the truth’ as “ok” meant I was happy to be leaving the office for another weekend!
I have a tendency to qualify my “oks” with an opposite story.
I am good at burping out my feelings over others, whether they want them or not,
But want to learn to ask the question and a be good listener to hear the other person’s real (feeling) answer
(I did a pastoral course that taught this 5 plus years ago, but still have not learnt it yet).
I move a little to avoid the sun I sway back I need that sun In my face I find myself closing my eyes It is so bright blinding I need to open them Me and the sun have a history I remember ..... I was on a train going home tired long day long journey. The sun shone through the window through my dullness through my tiredness. It was flashing - the sun. As it came through the windows of the moving train it stayed on me! Like a spotlight of sunbeams! I considered it a blessing It was a signal to offer up some thanks I did then it moved .... It was on someone else - so I offered some appreciation for the stranger. It became like a searchlight light searching for beautiful humans asleep earphones on books being read newspapers on knees newspapers+sleeping and all did not know I was praying for them. Some did not catch the rays. Sleep shuts out light Sleep will retain the sun in a beautiful dream dream sometimes never in a nightmare. Now I find these beaming places in church on buses between the clouds gaps in fences cracks in concrete sails of boats gaps in trees in a cafe behind and around a human I love behind a person who struggles to love. The sun is now a beautiful friend but I don't only want her for myself. I want the sun to shine on the so called beautiful and the many who don't feel beauty the violent the sick the hurting in a tunnel of depression in a home of sadness in a workplace of oppression. AND I want to play my part too ........... www.pipwilson.com
I am thinking how the lightening is followed by delayed thunder. How a situation/conflict/interaction can be followed by delayed and powerful feelings rumblings which can go on and on .....
Sometime the feelings from an incident can be more powerful than the incident itself.
I am planning to write about this giving examples from my life. It is a massive need to address emotional intelligence and emotional health.
All of us carry pressures, often stress, which can be an ever tightening metal band around our chest squeezing the emotion out of our life - whilst we carry on pretending all is well. Of course.
Most humans I work with who have social issues relational/behavioural/compulsive/aggressive issues, are driven by a wounded soul a inbox rammed with feelings and no tools in the toolbox to enable them to manage life - which good for themselves - and good for other humans and society.
I desire intimacy (the first three words in my book 'Pip Wisdom') because I believe that when we get intimate/close/L5/open/revealing with each other we can then bond together in the reality of our strengths/weaknesses/wounds and loves.
This year I have had a great number of beautiful humans who have opened up to me about the lighting and thunder which they experience inside/secret and of course it is confidential.
They tell me because they see an open door,
someone who is a helping friend, not a distant professional - but someone who can, at least, receive/listen/understand and love.
The spilling is a great act in itself. Trapped inside the hurts continue the lightening strikes twice the thunder is in our sleeping hours and our relaxation times - not going away .......... disturbing our soul .....
If these few words touch you in some way go seek a person in your life who you can trust - and talk about it. Please don't lock it in. Live like there is nothing wrong.
We may feel we are cracking up and really we can be cracking open.
A series of reflective tools to help everyone through the process of grief = Blob Bereavement.
For many people, losing a loved one is one of the most challenging emotional periods of their life.
Grief is a process that can take months and even years to work through fully.
This set of visual materials has been devised to help people of any age to reflect upon a wide range of traumatic experiences.
Topics covered include:
Illness • A Car crash • Murder • Suicide • Loss of a child • Accidental death • Military death • The funeral • Grief • Stages of grief • Keepsakes Includes sheets for individuals, small groups and larger gatherings as well as cards with a set of activities.
47 blob pictures on different school situations to initiate discussion and air problems Blob School uses the well-known blob characters in a number of school situations such as:
Blob assembly
Blob bullying
Blob choir
Blob classroom
Blob disability
Blob exams
Blob first day
Blob lessons
Blob meals
Blob parents evenings
Blob playground
Blob sports day
The
book is aimed at both teachers and students, depending on how you want
to use the activity. In both instances the aim is to use the blobs to
create discussion and air problems. The book covers all key areas of
school life so that teachers, assistants, school workers, students and
parents can reflect upon a range of issues which occur throughout the
school year. The book includes a free CD Rom which can used to
project the images on to an interactive white board or printed off for
whole class/staff or small group discussion. Age: 11-adult 122 page A4 wire-o-bound book
People who eat socially are more likely to feel better about themselves.
Photograph: PeopleImages/Getty Images
For
some, eating alone can be a joyous thing: forking mouthfuls of pasta
straight from the pan, peanut butter licked off a spoon, the unbridled
pleasure of walking home from the chippie alone on a cold night. But
regularly eating meals in isolation is a different story. This one
factor is more strongly associated with unhappiness than any other apart
from (unsurprisingly) having a mental illness. This is according to a
new study by Oxford Economics that found, in a survey of 8,250 British
adults, that people who always eat alone score 7.9 points lower, in terms of happiness, than the national average.
This research is far from the first to suggest a link between eating
with others and happiness.
Researchers at the University of Oxford last
year found that the more that people eat with others, the more likely
they are to feel happy and satisfied with their lives.
The study also
found that people who eat socially are more likely to feel better about
themselves and have wider social and emotional support networks.
Robin Dunbar, a professor of psychology, worked on the Oxford
University study.
He says that “we simply don’t know” why people who eat
together are happier.
But it is clear that this is a regular social
ritual, a moment of union and communion in our often chaotic lives.
It
can be a place of conversation, storytelling and closeness.
“At a psychological level, having friends just makes you happier,”
says Dunbar. “The kinds of things that you do around the table with
other people are very good at triggering the endorphin system, which is
part of the brain’s pain-management system. Endorphins are opioids, they
are chemically related to morphine – they are produced by the brain and
give you an opiate high. That’s what you get when you do all this
social stuff, including patting, cuddling and stroking. It is central to
the way primates in general bond in their social groups and
relationships.”
Our face-to-face relationships are, quite literally, a matter of life
or death. “One of the biggest predictors of physical and mental health
problems is loneliness,” says Dr Nick Lake, joint director for
psychology and psychological therapy at Sussex Partnership NHS
Foundation Trust. “That makes sense to people when they think of mental
health. But the evidence is also clear that if you are someone who is
lonely and isolated, your chance of suffering a major long-term
condition such as coronary heart disease or cancer is also significantly
increased, to the extent that it is almost as big a risk factor as smoking.”
One of the most striking pieces of evidence for this, says Dunbar, is
a meta-analysis of 148 epidemiological studies that looked for the best
predictors that patients would survive for 12 months after a heart
attack. “The best two predictors, by a long way, are the number and
quality of friends you have and giving up smoking,” he says. “You can
eat as much as you like, you can slob about, you can drink as much
alcohol as you like – the effect is very modest compared with these
other two factors.”
Human beings are biologically engineered for human interaction – and
particularly face-to-face interaction. One study from the University of
Michigan found that replacing face-to-face contact with friends and
family with messages on social media, emails or text messages could double our risk of depression.
The study also found that those who made social contact with family and
friends at least three times a week had the lowest level of depressive
symptoms.
“We are the most social of all the animals,”
says Prof Paul Gilbert, a psychologist and the founder of
compassion-focused therapy. “Our brains and our bodies are built to be
regulated through interactions with others from the day that we are
born.” This is not the case with many creatures, such as turtles and
fish, that procreate in vast numbers. “They don’t need looking after,”
says Gilbert. “Many of them will die before they reach reproductive age.
The caring behaviour [associated] with mammals is a major evolutionary
adaptation – it changes the brain and the physiology of the body so that
a parent is interested in staying close to an infant. One of the most
important things is the human capacity for soothing and engaging. So,
when a mother smiles at a baby and makes eye contact, that positive
emotion in the face and the voice of the mother is stimulating
positivity in the child. You can see why it’s called mirroring, the baby
smiles back.
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“The
ability to stimulate positive emotions, which is linked to happiness,
begins in interactions with others who are having positive emotions
about you. So, when we see our friends and they say, ‘Good to see you’ –
it’s important.”
But there are many factors that might prevent us from seeing friends
and family: mental ill health, immobility, a lack of money. Alison
Harris is a consultant clinical psychologist and professional lead for
psychological services in Salford. “Austerity has a huge influence on
the loss of happiness and wellbeing,” she says. “Homelessness and
unemployment in particular takes us out of contact with others. In
addition to the obvious harms of homelessness, it does massively
increase social isolation and anxiety. To take that even further, many people are in exile from their communities.
In mental health services, we see an enormous amount of grief,
depression and anxiety in people who are asylum seekers and refugees and
much of that is not just due to trauma or torture or detention or
fleeing from their country, but from the severe rupture of being cut off
from their families and communities of origin.”
When we are around others, it has an effect on our body. Some forms
of friendship – going to parties, getting married, having positive
interactions with others – stimulate our sympathetic nervous system.
Gilbert says that the parasympathetic nervous system (otherwise known as
the “rest and digest” system) “is stimulated through the verbal and
voice tone of relations with each other. As far as we know, it’s not
that stimulated through texts. Generally speaking, you’re designed to
respond to voice tone and expression, and stroking. We are physiologically designed for face-to-face interaction.”
Of course, for those struggling with depression, the idea of physical
contact can be impossible to fathom. At those moments, the capacity to
lift up a mobile phone and type out a text is an enormous mark of
progress. It may not be the ideal form of interaction, but it’s a vast
improvement on staring at a wall.
Dragging ourselves out of low energy states – be that by trying to
cultivate compassionate voices internally or having compassionate
relationships with others – is key to Gilbert’s work. “If you ask
someone, ‘What is your internal critic most frightened of?’ [you will
find] it’s frightened of rejection, of being seen as no good. Of being
unlovable, of not being wanted. All the raging that goes on beneath us,
the thing that we fear most is shame – not being good enough or wanted.
We are frightened of being revealed to be not so nice.”
He says that what has happened in the past decade, with the rise of
social media, “is that it has become a very plastic society.
We are all
living like theatrical actors, presenting ourselves as our best.
That
can’t be real, and so we have many people who feel like failures or
useless.
They say: ‘I’m not as attractive as that, I’m overweight, I’m
not kind or compassionate to others.’”
As
Gilbert says, the best relationships are the ones where people love us
for our perceived dark sides and flaws.
“People forget that love is
about loving you for the difficult things, not the easy things”
he
says. It is those who know us intimately who can provide that, and they
do it through their physical presence, through touch, and through
eating, drinking and sharing with us.
Spending time together is social
nourishment.
So, instead of texting a friend or messaging them on social
media,
why not knock on their door, look them in the eye and make
yourselves both feel better?
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