I want to be whole
No I don't
To be perfect.........
Is ..........
Not to be
Not to happen.

Reminds me of the story
a man saw the butterfly struggle
as it tried to break out of it's chrysalis
so, with small scissors,
he cut through the binding, locking, gripping chrysalis
and the butterfly struggled free.

Then it flopped
fell over
could not move it's wings
weak, never to fly.

The very act in the struggle
it to gain strength.

The worst times in my life
I fear them even now
yet looking back,
they were the greatest in terms of
living
learning
strength
wisdom
sensitivity
self awareness
life .............

I don't want to be whole.
I want to journey in that direction
I want to shout
I want to sing
I am free
I am free
I am free indeed.

Join me?
Or do you think that is all talk
mad
rubbish?



and someone else but in to my wisdom with better words - but I can take it - I want it EVEN

"The whole person is on the one side open to God,
and on the other side open to other people.
The isolated individual is not a real person,
for a real person lives in and for others.
This idea...could be summed up under the word love.
We become truly personal by loving God and by loving other humans.
By love,
I don’t mean merely an emotional feeling,
but a fundamental attitude.
In its deepest sense,
love is the life,
the energy,
of the Creator in us.
We are not truly human as long as we are turned in on ourselves.
We become whole only insofar as we face others, and relate to them."
........................................................................ Kallistos Ware

'To an adopted child'

Dear, do not weep.
By every act of mine
I am your mother...by my sleeples nights,
By every step in the long days's design
That I have taken, by the sweet delights
Of your blessed companionship, by the clear gaze,
By all my care in your begining days,
Your warm, soft body held against my breast
Warmed me and dried my disappointed tears,
You made a real home of our lonely nest.
Now we look forward to the fruitful years
With you beside us bearing in your hands
The love that every mother heart demands.
I am your mother, though you may not be
Flesh of my flesh. Our love goes deeper still.
You are my heart's adopted part of me.
I am your mother by the power of will.
Because I did not want to walk alone......
From the whole world, I chose you for my own.

Anne Campbell - author

Hi - feel I have been missing clicking.
I - I Know I have.
Now back to Terra firma
Now clicking gigs booking trains fixing flights and
this morning I have a hospital blood test
routine stuff
just to see if I have any blood in me!

Had a great wedding over the week-end and hung out with Joan and met new humans - re-connected with some old friends and loved Susan and Dan even more - I saw them in a wider community of friends and all their friends were around them on this special day.
AND we were included!!
a treat and a privilege.

Hope you like the pics. Took hundreds - as you do
Now I am up early - not of choice
awake and cannot eat due to the blood test so early/waiting/starving/clicking/me.

Climbing up the wall!

Sorry I have not replied to you by email - I still cannot get my inbox below 100.
I keep trying but they seem to refill ....... and had a real hassle last night .....

Some strange multiple windows appearing in my laptop blocking me from typing and sending, all had to be clicked off and at the same time my draft email file was breeding by 20 emails a minute - all dated 28th March!
at the same time 'drafts' 'on my mac' was piling up with drafts, now they are gone but there are 43 drafts in my file. ..........something is wrong

One good thing, I have an iPh*ne and it is an *nl*cked one. Joy bought it for me last November in the US. I have not had the latest upgrades including multiple text, better map/route/website links etc ............ but last week I found a little shop in Ealing, London town, where they fixed it for me. Upgraded it to the latest version and then I could even upgrade my iTunes which I hadn't done since November 4th 2007.

Lots going on in my head and heart and soul and .......... when I think like that I think of you .......... you are beautiful ............... me too .......



.

My favourite Pipturesque
from the wedding

We love you
Susan and Dan ....

Friday

Driving down to Bognor Regis today was terrible.
Lashing with rain and wind.
Motorways rammed.
Miss Sat Nav said two hours
it took 3.5 plus a rest/lunch stop.
(no fair trade coffee even when they advertise it's availability - stink)

Now we are her in a wee Hotel by the seaside and great for a brisk walk and a peppermint tea stop.
Dinner in the hotel as I kept my iPhone on to keep up with the scores.
The Saints were playing tonight against the Rugby League leaders
Hot hot hot Leeds.
We lost 10-14
It must have been tough and hard
such a low score
will watch it when we get home Sunday.

Now the focus is Susan and Dan and their wedding.
Beautiful humans
entwining
loving each other
I delight in their love ....................

We will also meet new humans
some we know
some we love
it is great - that feeling of love between humans.

Have had a stimulating but bitty week.
I like restless/uncomfortable/dissatisfaction
I regularly refresh the irritation
"Growth does not reside in a place called comfortable".

I have met with humans this week who show their 'uncomfortable' on their faces.
Lots of humans I know - hide it.
Some, the pain comes through.
I meet with human individuals as part of my work
It is a privilege.
The ones who concern me are the ones who carry their pain in their faces and are not willing or able to talk at it.

Opening, exploring, is a way of working things through.
Never to a conclusion, reaching a conclusion - maybe never BUT
- but a start on a journey ............

Some are up one day, self destruct another.
Sometimes it is not in daily modules -
it can be hourly fluctuations - or less.
What the hell is going on inside?

It is all down to feelings which humans flee from.
So many are scared of feelings rather than see them as signals like toothache.
Pain is good - as long as we read the signals.

This is a bit heavy from Bognor and a Friday night
but it lives with me under my skin.

Bblessed Susan and Dan
I am forever with you ...................

Reset Yourself

We are creatures of habit.
Of routine.
We are all in our own groove.
So try new. Try different. Try crazy.
Try unexpected.
Like punk? Try opera.
Wear black? Try white.
Love bubbles? Try still.
Speak Spanish? Learn Chinese.
Love to ride? Try running.
Always grumpy? Try happy.
Like science fiction? Try romance.
Never cook? Bake some bread.
Forever cynical? Try love. Try Trust. Try hope.
Take a different route to work.
Say yes when you mean no.
Wear your watch on the other hand.

Leave the comfort zone.






.

Somalia
Bangladesh
Mauritius
W Indian
Nepal
London
Italy
German
Jamaica
and more ....

I have been working with a group who's ethnic roots range from the above - and more.
One of the privileges I have , living and working a lot in multi-cultural London town.

This group was not a team, and one of the objectives of the day, was to achieve that.
We rocked.
It happened.
All I did was process their natural insecurities into self revelation - in a facilitated process.
I made gentle moves to water the seeds in the plastic cup and the roots went down and the shoots went up.*
Then they opened like flowers to the sun.
They trusted me.
They trusted my facilitation.
The believed that I would not lead them into a place called failure, ugliness or shame.
The had fled from such so many times in their lives.

These were all women with considerable experience of life - in some cases longer lives - some shorter.
I kept them active and sharing - and stretching.
The I took the risky option from my long list of prepared options.

I facilitated an experience.
Touching the deep emotions of a child.
Getting inside their skin.
Feeling rejection.
Hurt.
Terror.
Aloneness.
........... and more.

At one stage - when I was processing their own analysis through the feelings contained in one grown up mature woman, in the role of a nine year old child, she said::
"I cannot speak any more"
She was choked in emotion.
She was stuttering to a stop.
Life had got in her gut
in her gullet
in her mouth
and she could not articulate any more.

There were others similar.
For all, it became an experience of learning.
NEVER again will these leaders be insensitive to little ones.
Never will they listen to and angry child, a demanding child, an attention seeking child .......
without looking into their eyes and reading their little faces of need...... and their souls.
They have been there.
They feel the pain ........

When it we all over.
They were buzzing
They were happy and satisfied.
They were a team.

*
All we ever need to know - we learned in the Nursery::
"Be aware of wonder.
Remember the little seed in the polystyrene cup;
the roots go down and the shoots go up,
nobody really knows how or why,
but we are all like this"

Robert Fulghum, from
'All I really need to know I learned in Kindergarten'

"Experience is,
for me,
the highest authority.
The touchstone of validity
is my own experience.
No other person's ideas,
and none of my own ideas,
are as authoritative as my experience.
It is to experience that I must return again and again,
to discover a closer approximation to truth
as it is in the process of becoming in me.
Neither the Bible nor the prophets
-- neither Freud nor research --neither the revelations of God nor man
-- can take precedence over my own direct experience.
My experience is not authoritative because it is infallible.
It is the basis of authority because
it can always be checked in new primary ways.
In this way its frequent error or fallibility is always open to correction."

Carl Rogers
-- On Becoming a Person

privilegeprivilege

Just met someone who I have not seen for seven years.
privilege
privilege.

She has been through tough times
so beautiful
I told her
"I have always loved you ......."
privilege

We talked 'Level Five' non stop for two hours.
privilege
about the good bits and the not so good .............

An email last week
She wanted to meet up
For me a privilege
we had been through much together for about seven years, and then seven years gap ..........
always powerful exchanges in the past
always good for me
I have learned so much from her
privilege.

I took beautiful Pipturesque of her
must ask if I can use one here - for you.

We talked about this world of self discovery,
that which SO many humans have not 'entered in'
that road less travelled
about feelings
about non - dependancy on masks
about non - dependancy on image
about non-dependency on clothing ............ of the soul.

I click here at Wilson Mansions just wondering, wondering if you 'get it' - all that I am on about.
Do you think I am mad?

Try writing down how you feel.
Out first will come things like 'I feel ok'
then words like 'all right'
Then the google search goes deeper in the soul.
Feelings emerge as we consider different parts of out life, relationships, issues, local, wider, the world and around again into the interior, beautiful human you interior, that is you.

I learned so much today ........... privileged ..............




.

Hello ...... have been up North taking Joyce back following her stay here.
I have been to a place called Broadbandless.
So, I have missed two days. Strange being away from my Mac.
Really pleased that Joan has survived. Joyce is not well but she does not know it.
It makes me think of how we all will cope with ageing and if it will be the physical or the mental health that deteriorates first.

I have not got a busy week this week. Lot's to do however.
It is shorter with having the days off over the Easter week-end and we go to a wedding on Friday. It is a week-end away for us as we planned it long ago - take a break time.

Posted some great music here on my blog - loveitloveit

The Little Book of Blob Questions

by Pip Wilson
Ian Long

Share This Report this item Preview this book View Back Cover Copyright: © 2006 Standard Copyright License Language: English Country: United Kingdom

(1303 kb) Download: 1 documents, 1303 KB Printed: 28 pages, 6.14" x 9.21", saddle-stitch binding, black and white interior ink Description: The Little Book of Blobs is the companion book to the Big Book of Blobs (available from www.blobtree.com) and explains how to use questions effectively with others. Using the Blob Tree visual it crosses all boundaries of gender, culture, and language. Small at 28 pages, but beautiful. Link to view or order HERE.

Dark Church

Snow today - quiet outside the Church in the snowy sludge.
Good Friday had a crowded Market outside - our church is set in an open market place.

It is Easter Sunday and it was dark in church. We all received a candle as we entered. Later it became light as the single flame was passed around and the space became light .......

Sat next to Daphne - I can only remember her name by thinking of the movie 'some like it hot'.
All these are 'Level two'.

The Church was rammed today.
Love the multi-cultural mix.
Joan stayed behind with her Mother. I felt her not being there. Not lonely.
But I am filled with thoughts and feelings which, the latter, I am not in contact with yet.
So I scribble on the service sheet during the next hour or so.

I feel ok.
Expectant.
Not routine.
Part relaxed.
I feel some tiredness.
I feel in limbo a bit.
('Lord have Mercy upon us' the 50 strong choir sings ........)
I feel I am not living normal- I don't like normal.
Joyce being with us changes everything.
I feel disturbed/unsettled/restless - not a lot but I am amazed how, when I dig the crates of my soul, I am able to contact a depth of feeling which are submerged.

The first thing a did when I came into Church was to sneak up to Jess and giver her a kiss on the cheek.
She lost her Mother a couple of years ago to the big C.
We lost a friend.

The service rolls on and I am aware that Jesus coming through the death experience triggers all sorts of mind jumping.
I think of Joan, Joyce, Bex, Amanda, Jason, Clare, Nat, Sheilas, you .... and tears enter my eyes as I keep my head down.

Tears magnify my vision.
I think up about humans messed up - just like me - only different.
I want to bring humans into this situation which is about the Divine.
I think of 'me' too.
I think that it is so easy - to think 'me'.
If we do not worship God
I think we worship 'me'.

The message today was on the text 'Do not hold me'.
That was Jesus speaking to Mary Magdalene.

It seems that several Gospels did not arrive in our Good Book. One was the Gospel of Thomas and another the Gospel of Mary Magdalene .
It seems that in the text of Mary's Gospel - her relationship with Jesus was written about and how
"She kissed him on the ......."
...... and the caterpillars had eat the rest of the ancient manuscript text.

With great effect - it was said that Jesus said
'Do not hold me'
because he was now risen and was not only for her - but for us all.
He belongs to everybody.
In is human form he hung out with only a few intimately, and a few thousands in other circumstances.
Now, in his risen/eternal body - he is yours - he is mine - and ................... 'tears and love flow mingled down' as my mind jumps again .......

I sometimes imagine myself holding on to Jesus.
More often - I reach out and he touches his finger tip firmly onto mine .........

It is Easter Day now ....

I want to post the song::

Jesus Walks

I love it - will post tomorrow.

Today
I must revisit an Easter experience which I have walked to every year - some years.

Today
will always be a special day
not what you think
This is a human thing
The human I am thinking of
was 21 not 33
when the last breath came

Easter Day - Not Good Friday.

This human
I loved
worked with
Lived with
in
my soul

A beautiful human
I know - loved - worked with .... and ...... she was 21 ........
when ......
... she was found dead with a cocktail of drugs .......

This day I will always remember
This day I will always remember her .....
This day, today, I would love to post a photograph of her hanging around my neck - so close ......
But would not be right .........
But I will share with you the words I clicked ........ about her.

PIPSPOEM
=========
alcoholic at birth
mothers addiction
father loss disaster later
fateful crack overdose
and years of homes
sometimes called 'care'

mother herself
all too young
very young
without parental models
inadequate
sometimes called 'it's the parents fault'

raped and abused
abused and robbed
fragmented like hell
sometimes called 'tormented'

drugs and crime
crime and drugs
suck the life
drain the soul
shred the person
sometimes called 'deprivation'

ymca hostel
mission to care
mission to support
mission to develop
sometimes called 'hope'

as thin as a rake
loud and screaming
tearful and down
always a name call
always my name
sometimes called 'erratic'

drugs on
off drugs
relationships on
chemical relationship on
struggle to sustain
loved and hated
sometimes called 'dependent'

alone on her own
found on her own
died on her own
lay still on her own
only chemical friends
sometimes called 'overdose'

tears of the crowd
loss in community
death lurks us all
quiet at last
tears run silent
sobs rack deep
world loses a character
sometimes called 'bereavement'

how do I feel
the feelings are deep
she was driving blind
foot on disaster
hard as nails
fragile and bruised
beautifully broken
sometimes called 'love'

creator loved
creator loves
precious child
valuable life
loss loss loss
sometimes called 'a waste'

never lived
only survived
we need to care
in life
before death
we need to love
more-so the broken
more-so the damaged
more-so when it's impossible
more-so before it is too late
sometimes called 'reflective learning'

let these little ones
come to me
of such
is
the kingdom of heaven
the master said
the master repeats
now
when it matters
he retains the loving
continues the loving
the creator of love
keeps showing us
teaching us
demonstrating to us
sometimes called
'eternal love
everlasting love
to a person
for a person
we will remember eternally and everlasting'

pip wilson 14.04.04

...... and this song playing today on my blog - is her song
the one which sticks with me everytime I think of her::
"Keep on trying ........................... "

.

.... this day,
today,
2004 -
was EASTER DAY .....

We piled in the car today
Joan
Joyce
and
me.

There to meet us in Joy's home was Ann too.
We laughed together and talked together and had Potato based pizza - a Joy speciality.
With a glass of Champagne. Every time I have visited Joy - I get a glass of Champagne!

Here are some Pipturesques from the day and a special historic one of all the Sheilas together with Joyce, Joan and myself..
Every day that Joyce had been with us, we have been telling her about today.
One minute later she has forgotten. On the journey down to Joys we repeated so often, oh so often, we had to repeat where we were going .......
So sad. It is her illness so there is no judgement. It is a wee bit frustrating but no anger - just sadness.

We were all together ........
We talked and reflected on all our past good times together. We laughed and it was a great day ....... and then we dropped Ann off at the railway station to travel to her to her part of London, and we steered to car home with Joyce.

Back home with us, Joyce could not remember who she had been with. So sad because she has loved these Sheilas all their lives - and loved the day ........... but she could not recall .....

We will remember the good time we had together ...... and these pictures will last forever.

Great to be together as a family - great.