Monday, February 29, 2016

Loneliness - I am always striving to understand FEELINGS & BEHAVIOUR.


I am always reading and striving to understand behaviour and the feelings driving it.

Every person I have talked with in the last year
who has said “I am lonely”
Wept as they spoke.

It is a privilege when someone is able say that.
There is so much stigma attached to this experience.
If you are in that place.
If you have not shared the experience with another - 
I would encourage you to do so.

Choose a person is is in a helping relationship with you.
Someone who can manage facing your pain
because they have known pain themselves
and can support you through it.

These out-takes stand alone - don’t flow as the book will do.
They are highlights chosen by me for
to blog
to re-enforce within me some deeper understanding.

These following words are from a long series of articles about Loneliness.
There are some questions and Responses by the Author.
Take what you wish from them.
Buy the book.
Talk to someone.
Study pain.
Feel your pain.
it helps to understand someone else’s - always unique.


The revelation of loneliness, 
the omnipresent, 
unanswerable feeling that I was in a state of lack, 
that I didn't have what people were supposed to, 
and that this was down to some grave and no doubt externally unmistakable failing in my person: 
all this had quickened lately, the unwelcome consequence pf being so summarily dismissed. 

So much of the pain of loneliness is to do with concealment, 
with being compelled to hide vulnerability, 
to tuck ugliness away, to cover up wounds as if they are literally repulsive. 
But why hide? 
What's so shameful about wanting, about desire, about having failed to achieve satisfaction, 
about experiencing unhappiness? 
Why this need constantly to inhabit peak states, 
or to be comfortably sealed inside a unit of two, turned inward from the world at large? 
I have been lonely, and no doubt I will be lonely again. 
There isn't any shame in that. 
Loneliness is a special place, I'm certain of it: 
adrift from the larger continent of human experience, 
but intrinsic to the very act of being alive. 

Give me three traits of a good person. 

So relationships have to go both ways to be beneficial? 
Yes, and it doesn't end there. 
Because you interact less well with me as a neighbour, 
when you go to work we can see you are more likely to interact negatively 
with someone else. 
And so it goes on. 

There is that sad quote in your book from someone saying ::
"I can remember exactly the year when eye contact stopped…" 

Why do we sometimes seem at pains to avoid connection? 
What we think we prefer is often counter-productive for us. 
Loneliness is like an iceberg, we are conscious of the surface 
but there is a great deal more that is phylogenetically 
so deep that we cannot see it. 

OK. So actually your answers are consistent across age and across culture. 
What you see about them is that the good person cares about themselves primarily 
in relation to other people. 
Whereas the evil person cares first and only about themselves. 
We wouldn't be a social species without that universal agreement.

What worked best? 
Well, there were four major types of treatment we studied. 

First: social engagement. 
You take lonely people and you just put them together. 
That doesn't work because it confuses the idea of loneliness with the fact of being alone. 

The second is social skills: 
this is based on the idea that people are lonely 
because they have poor social skills. 

Actually, this is again false. 
Just about everybody has good social skills to begin with, but when you experience loneliness 
you focus more and more on yourself, 
your brain engages in selfpreservation. 

You are not necessarilyaware of that happening, 
but you become like the animal on the edge of the herd. 
If you feel vulnerable you often stop taking empathetic or compassionate positions 
and therefore you lose social skills. 

The third treatment is social support. 
This suggests that lonely people will be "cured" just with the support of people around them. 
That is not the answer either because getting out of loneliness 
takes reciprocal connections not one-directiona] ones. 

If it were just about support, people would not feel lonely in hospital because they are surrounded by it. 
But we know that people in hospital often feel very lonely. 

The last treatment we looked at is changing how lonely people think about other people, 
having them understand what happens when their brain goes into this self-preservation mode. 
And those kinds of treatments actually seem to work, 
although they have been applied only a few times.

Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection 
is published 
by WW Norton & Co (£12.99). 
To order a copy go to or call 0330 333 6846
© Olivia Laing 


Stress Level spikes - working with Young People.

I grabbed this from The Sunday Observer 
A Teacher and his SPIKES - stress level
during a working day.

I just like to observe behaviour and someone working with Young People.

The Teacher 
Joseph Bispham, 30, teaches English and is head of media studies at Forest Gate community school in London. 

He lives in East London with his girlfriend. 

I wake up a lot in the night, often from dreams about the kids at school. 
That explains the big spike in my heart rate around 2am. 
But when my alarm goes off at 6.30am, I'm up and out the door in half an hour, with a Thermos of fresh coffee. 
The longer I linger at home, the less time I have to plan my lessons. 
There's nothing worse than the sea effaces that look up at you when you haven’t got a lesson ready, 
so I'm not surprised by my consistently high heart rate, 
which dips briefly when I stop for breakfast at the canteen. 

At 8.45am I teach year ll literature. 
The text is JB Priestley's An Inspector Calls, which they love, 
because they get to use a lot of sophisticated political and sociological vocabulary. 
It is brilliant when they've got a really interesting and relevant text. 
Kids want to be clever - they're not afraid of hard work, they're just afraid of feeling stupid. 

They get a bit lively towards the end of the class so I raise my voice a lot. 
One piece of feedback I always get is that I'm too loud and boomy. 
But my voice is the easiest way to get their attention. 

Between classes, I snatch half an hour to do some marking, which I hate with a passion. 
It's like stabbing yourself with your mistakes, 
because if they've done something wrong, if s usually because you've taught it badly. 
You are held accountable for the outcome of your children but 
you're not the factor that decides your own success, 
which takes a lot of control away from you. 
Teachers are often portrayed as moaners, 
but people don't understand our level of frustration and fear for the children; 
as a result, it's very hard to switch off. 

Over a canteen lunch at my desk I'm prepping for a meeting in the afternoon about the school's 
long-term plans when I'm interrupted by a GCSE pupil. 
My low heart rate suddenly peaks. 
She has very high predicted grades and works really hard but is underachieving in English. 
It's a supportive but frank conversation. 

At Forest Gate, they're incredibly driven kids. 
They tend to pick their moments, but you can't turn them away because they'd never let you forget it. 
Someone once described teenagers as being like lawyers - they analyse everything you've ever said. 

At l.10pm it's my year ll media stupes class, which is challenging and disorganised at the moment, and my heart rate is rapidly up and down. At one point, 
I say the worst thing I've ever said to a child: 
"At what point in your life did you 
have your common sense surgically removed?” 

I'm looking forward to the long-term planning meeting later in the afternoon, 
where I feel a lot more relaxed. 
With adult company and a bit of camaraderie, it's a sanity check; what it must be like working in a normal office: 
Cycling home (I had left my bike at school) through the Olympic Park punctuates my day nicely 
and sees a healthy spike in my heart rate. 

I'm brutally inefficient in the evening, but I do the necessary marking after dinner, 
before settling down to the last two episodes of Netflix's Making A Murderer. 
My heart rate is on average a lot lower than during my school day, 
but it spikes a couple of times, which I'm not surprised about; I'm rocking like a madman on my sofa.


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Sunday, February 28, 2016

Gutter Feelings

We are all in the gutter, 
but some of us 

are looking 
at the stars. 


- Oscar Wilde

Saturday, February 27, 2016

#AndersonPaak - so love his music, Playlist here with Gilles Peterson LISTEN HERE LOVE IT LOVE IT

Snoop Dogg – The Shiznit
Jay-Z – I Just Wanna Love You (Give It To Me)
Earl Sweatshirt – Untitled
Sa Ra Creative Partners – Glorious
Anderson .Paak – Heart Don’t Stand A Chance
Breezy Lovejoy – Sadie
Breezy Lovejoy – Paradise
Bob James – Arrival
Anderson .Paak – Might Be
Breezy Lovejoy – Cover Art
Anderson .Paak – Drugs
Nxworries – Suede (Dirty)
Dr Dre feat. Anderson .Paak & Marsha Ambrosius – All In A Day’s Work
Anderson .Paak – Waterfall (Interluuuube)
Anderson .Paak feat. Schoolboy Q – Am I Wrong
Anderson Paak – The Bird
Anderson Paak – Your Prime
Anderson Paak – Put You On
Breezy Lovejoy feat. Jimetta Rose – Zoseph
Anderson Paak – Parking Lot
Jonwayne feat. Anderson Paak - Green Light
Anderson Paak feat. BJ The Chicago Kid – The Waters
Nxworries – Link Up
Nxworries – Droogs


Are you still scared of your Mother? - not about Mothers Day!

I am fascinated by behaviour and 
what feeds behaviour from childhood experiences. 
I strive to understand humans to enable me to be in helping relationships.

Read this bit first about Toyah - thank you Miss for being so honest - 
it's good for all of us to know - helpful for so many.

Toyah Willcox: family values
The actor and singer talks about not getting on with her mother.

"From an early age, my mother and I never got on. 
My sister put it quite wisely that Mum never had a good word for me; 
it was only criticism. 
I can remember in 1982, 
I won the equivalent of the Brits' best female singer, 
I phoned my parents to tell them I'd won and my mother said, 
"Well, don't boast. It won't last for ever.” 
She was the one person that made me 
address suicide on a regular basis.

Everything changed for my mother when my father died 
and I saw the moment it changed. 
He had just been taken to A&E and Mum was cleaning the house. 
I realised she'd gone into automatic. 
I said, "Mum, Dad's dying. Don't let him die alone.” 
For the first time in my life with her, 
I saw the light go on – she was 79.

The last two years of her life were utterly remarkable. 
She didn't directly apologise for how she had treated me 
but the apology came in another way when she was dying. 
She had started screaming for me. 
I got there and she was still conscious and said, 
"Oh thank God, you're here,” 
and held my hand. 
That's the only time she ever touched me 
from the age of 11 until the day she died in 2011."

a sport I just love.
MrsBeautiful and me watched our beloved Saints play
and win last night - a tough bloody game from our sofa!
..... if you click the pic you can see the highlighted question 
to this rugby league player"


For many years I have led courses called 'The Road Less Travelled’ 
and a mixture of humans come for this short experiential course 
about life management - 
managing your emotions - 
assertiveness etc..

SO many humans have issues with their parents. 

I remember a number who could not relax with their Mother. 
Always felt 'child' with their Mum. 
Feeling oppressed by Mother. 
A number of these were in their forties and fifties 
and yet feeling not ok about these relationships.

The parents so often using the words 'should' or ought’. 
Not wanting to 'be' with their parents as adults together. 
Feeling 'child' and receiving 'parent' behaviour from their - parents.

One thing is - we cannot control the behaviour of others 
but we can develop skills and awareness 
to enable us to manage our behaviour and emotions. 

Life need not be painful in these areas of life. 
Broken or difficult relationships can hurt - 
but we need not be trapped in the hurt. 
OUR communication can so influence any relationship. 

Just our tone and response and love expressed - powerful.
It is so important to have a relationship of adult/adult with our parents. 
Otherwise oppression rules. 

Not good. 
Ugly in fact. 
One woman who was on one of my courses 
was still feeling oppressed by her Mother - and ... 
she had been dead for ten years. !!

'Shoulds' and 'aughts' still ringing in her ears.

So often we don't have the tools in our life toolbox 
to turn to and use when an issue comes along. 

It is so for lots of homeless, 
drug users, alcohol mis-users 
who I have worked with, and loved, over the years. 
But, also often, many every day humans 
are suffering because of these issues. 
That is a passion of mine - 
to have one2ones with humans and also lead group sessions 
where we explore these issues and 
become better skilled with managing our relationships in life.

Are you ADULT<>ADULT with your Mother/Father 
is it more CHILD<>ADULT ?

Maybe it is something to work on?
I am still learning all this stuff.
I became ADULT<>ADULT with my Mother when I was 40 years old!!

Keep filling the life TOOLBOX 

"If we only have a hammer - we see every issue as a nail”.

Get TOOLED up.


How Parents FAIL their own children

Before time began - long ago in St Helens, Approved School, London E16, Romford - the world


Friday, February 26, 2016

KENRICK LAMAR - urban music URBAN images = Video ALRIGHT

Youth Work Report to Management Committee

Back in the day stuff.

I have at last found a large (non digital) file from many Youth Work years.
Many stories from the front line.
Behaviour working with 
as a necessity as working with the person.
Making contact and building a helping relationship - the aim - not an easy task in a tough urban community.

I will be sharing stuff here 
I will reflect with my current head on!
So many changes in my interior as well as my exterior life !



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