Saturday, February 27, 2016

Are you still scared of your Mother? - not about Mothers Day!

I am fascinated by behaviour and 
what feeds behaviour from childhood experiences. 
I strive to understand humans to enable me to be in helping relationships.

Read this bit first about Toyah - thank you Miss for being so honest - 
it's good for all of us to know - helpful for so many.

Toyah Willcox: family values
The actor and singer talks about not getting on with her mother.

"From an early age, my mother and I never got on. 
My sister put it quite wisely that Mum never had a good word for me; 
it was only criticism. 
I can remember in 1982, 
I won the equivalent of the Brits' best female singer, 
I phoned my parents to tell them I'd won and my mother said, 
"Well, don't boast. It won't last for ever.” 
She was the one person that made me 
address suicide on a regular basis.

Everything changed for my mother when my father died 
and I saw the moment it changed. 
He had just been taken to A&E and Mum was cleaning the house. 
I realised she'd gone into automatic. 
I said, "Mum, Dad's dying. Don't let him die alone.” 
For the first time in my life with her, 
I saw the light go on – she was 79.

The last two years of her life were utterly remarkable. 
She didn't directly apologise for how she had treated me 
but the apology came in another way when she was dying. 
She had started screaming for me. 
I got there and she was still conscious and said, 
"Oh thank God, you're here,” 
and held my hand. 
That's the only time she ever touched me 
from the age of 11 until the day she died in 2011."

a sport I just love.
MrsBeautiful and me watched our beloved Saints play
and win last night - a tough bloody game from our sofa!
..... if you click the pic you can see the highlighted question 
to this rugby league player"


For many years I have led courses called 'The Road Less Travelled’ 
and a mixture of humans come for this short experiential course 
about life management - 
managing your emotions - 
assertiveness etc..

SO many humans have issues with their parents. 

I remember a number who could not relax with their Mother. 
Always felt 'child' with their Mum. 
Feeling oppressed by Mother. 
A number of these were in their forties and fifties 
and yet feeling not ok about these relationships.

The parents so often using the words 'should' or ought’. 
Not wanting to 'be' with their parents as adults together. 
Feeling 'child' and receiving 'parent' behaviour from their - parents.

One thing is - we cannot control the behaviour of others 
but we can develop skills and awareness 
to enable us to manage our behaviour and emotions. 

Life need not be painful in these areas of life. 
Broken or difficult relationships can hurt - 
but we need not be trapped in the hurt. 
OUR communication can so influence any relationship. 

Just our tone and response and love expressed - powerful.
It is so important to have a relationship of adult/adult with our parents. 
Otherwise oppression rules. 

Not good. 
Ugly in fact. 
One woman who was on one of my courses 
was still feeling oppressed by her Mother - and ... 
she had been dead for ten years. !!

'Shoulds' and 'aughts' still ringing in her ears.

So often we don't have the tools in our life toolbox 
to turn to and use when an issue comes along. 

It is so for lots of homeless, 
drug users, alcohol mis-users 
who I have worked with, and loved, over the years. 
But, also often, many every day humans 
are suffering because of these issues. 
That is a passion of mine - 
to have one2ones with humans and also lead group sessions 
where we explore these issues and 
become better skilled with managing our relationships in life.

Are you ADULT<>ADULT with your Mother/Father 
is it more CHILD<>ADULT ?

Maybe it is something to work on?
I am still learning all this stuff.
I became ADULT<>ADULT with my Mother when I was 40 years old!!

Keep filling the life TOOLBOX 

"If we only have a hammer - we see every issue as a nail”.

Get TOOLED up.