Tuesday, September 08, 2009





I had a special experience
when I was around 21 years old.
It started when I thought that God may love me.
I was confused by that.
I saw myself as
loud
ignorent
thick
uneducated
ugly
course
foul
rough
(you may know me as these
or some of these).

Nevertheless
I began to believe
that God may love me.
Began to believe that he would have me.
So, one night, in the dark -
21 Fry Street Parr St Helens,
I kneeled down at the edge of the bed.


I didn't talk out loud.
I guessed God would hear the words in my head
unspoken but clear.
It all resounded in my head
ears
soul - I guess.

I knew that,
when I stood up,
I would need to believe.
Not just wait to be kicked in a direction.
That was the big thing.
The big thing was -
I intended to stand up
I wanted to stand up
different
inside.

I still felt the above ugly-list ......
but God was different than humans.
Somehow he would see through the mess
He would make his gaze beautiful.
He would love me as I was ........

I was forty years old before -
before I accepted myself.
All those years knowing/guessing that God loved me.
Walking on believing
stumbling on
fumbling on
and then ...........

I realised that the kids I was working with -
addicted to
violence
steeped in crime
knives
guns
serious nastiness ................
That God loved them.
They were beautiful.
It was just the behaviour which was ugly.
The human
the beautiful human
was beautiful ...............

Then it hit me.
If he loved
I need to love like that
I need to get to love like that
them
and
me .............................

I wanted to love
I also realised
I needed to accept myself
Value myself
See the beauty
Not just the ugly

That is when I became an adult.
When did you become an adult?




“We do not believe in ourselves
until someone reveals that deep inside us
something is valuable,
worth listening to,
worthy of our trust,
sacred to our touch.
Once we believe in ourselves
we can risk curiosity,
wonder,
spontaneous delight
or any experience that reveals the human spirit.”

ee cummings