Tuesday, June 23, 2020

alone - Because of my need to isolate from other humans

Sitting alone
in a borrowed garden.

Absconded from home.
New boiler fitted today.

Because of my need to isolate
from other humans 
so it is daughters garden
not too far away, becomes my hideaway.

MrsBeautiful is on site as 
Boiler quality control manager.

It was strange stripping the kitchen yesterday.
Home became sterile as we set up a temporary kitchen, with the kettle etc
in our flat lounge.

Now into 16th week of lockdown.
Feel nervous of going into a shop
for the first time - plus
car service and MOT needed.

I still don't feel ill.
I still haven't entered a shop
or had my wallet in my pocket
for 15 weeks .....
or hugged two daughters
and our little granddaughters.

I really miss my 121 sessions with BHP's.
And more-so my gigs (Training Days)
They are experiential for me too.
I learn so much in preparation and
connecting with strangers, for an hour,
then full  on, in depth, interactions.

All the above are about
physical eventful activities but
what about the internal me.

It is strange being locked out of our little flat. 
BUT making use of the sunshine
and taking opportunities to reflect //
my inner being/becoming is concerned.
about other humans than about self.
That is healthy.
To be the opposite would be damaging for me.
To be thinking only of self survival only
would become a big knot in my gut.

@81 I am still getting to know me.
Emotion Detective - me.
These emotions, we all have them,
are a pathway into who we really are.
These streams lead us into understanding
our behaviour, values, attitudes, beliefs,
passion and human relationships of all kinds.

You must have regrets - I do.
I am not the person I was when I published my first book.
I don't like that 'me'.
Don't get me wrong
I am happy about some of the work I did/led but sad about the lack of wisdom
I didn't possess.
I wonder if I will look back to NOW
in a few years time and regret stuff now?

Makes me think about I have lost my sense of smell - years ago AND
my memory is getting lost AND
my joints ache more.
I am tired more often now.
I wonder what it would be like to lose my passion? Yearning? Reflecting?.......
I don't intend to wither away !