Wednesday, August 27, 2003

reflections from the bed of room 312.......

GREENBELT is over for another and the thirtieth year. The old year has gone and a new one appears. I hate the ending of Greenbelt and the anticipation of the next is too soon ....... I must reflect........

Leaving GB early is nothing to Bragg about. I missed Billy an caught some of Polyphonic Spree. Hmmmmm I leave that as the reflection on them.
I left to get back to work.
To people work.
To community work.
To group work and I live it, love it.
I was somewhat dead headed in the morning and sleep came upon me as I travelled on all three trains over the ungreen London town. Hmmmmm ...... Polyphonic Spree again!

Soon I was alerted to live again by people and enjoyed the rapport again with the people I love.
And then we come to Donut. To donuts and discussion which is and was fab. Love it love it.

A privilege to be amongst people who talk from the heart, gut, emotions and life experience ALL at the same time.
As usual there is people sharing from a deep experience of damage.
Not the detail but the learning experiences.
Not arguments but live reflections, all coming out fresh.
Just made.
Just worked at that very minute.
Just dug out deep from their souls.

"I don't feel beautiful" is said in words and cried in tears over dinner in public view. Said in facial expression when reflecting on the life lived, the scars on the soul and the regrets.

And we talked about this in the group. That theory about experiences in life, is not only recorded as a video in the mind for ever, (better replay than Blockbuster), but also that these recordings carry the same feelings forever.
Recordings of feelings. Good and bad!
So we discussed this.
The feelings lingering on from 'early years' damage.
So we own these feelings
This is part of the managing them.
Owning and knowing.
And then kicking the darkness until it bleeds daylight.
The wondrous thing is the mutual learning.

I try to set the climate.
Stick on track.
One only talking at one time.
More difficult, all listening.
Eyes are seen to wonder away to the side as minds dive for cover on mention of a trigger word, or on mention of a live and kicking emotion.

Press the button.
Click the keys.
Refresh emotion.
Refresh hurt.
The group and the individual can handle that.
And it is coming out.
The boxes of ugliness are being unwrapped and therefore not the bogey man of our childhood.

The wholeness we seek is here.
It is here and will be here.
It is here and will take a lifetime to seek.

.......and because of Greenbelt I was saved and brought, with my damage, to a Greenbelt community to work that through....... as such is the Kingdom of God.
No messing.
I didn't become a breakdown case.
I didn't become another disillusioned Christian because Greenbelt give me no illusions.

"Some like to live within the sound of Chapel bell
I want to live within a yard of hell."

I don't really.
Not my quote.
But I like it because it is right to live on the edge.
Be incomplete.
Be stretched.
Be uncomfortable and outside those zones of ease.

So tomorrow we will walk on from today .....walk on from Greenbelt and the days growth, into another.

I love Greenbelt and the getting the grit between my toes..........