Monday, October 30, 2006

..... this is Tuula .......

I was eating Reindeer in a Restaurant in Helsinki on Saturday when Tuula asked me a question.

..... " was you scared? " .........

She was asking about when I worked with violent gangs in East London.
I just chatted away about it ..........
I said how I grew up with the youngsters - into adolescence and then adulthood.
How great they were when meeting them in the market or in pairs.
Then I talked about how tense it was when they were in a group. Sociologically still referred to as 'a gang'.
It was tense being among them. Anything could happen. Yet it was normal for them and came to be so for me also.

I mentioned to Tuula how for ten years, the whole time I worked in this context, I had acid indigestion and regularly took tablets.
When I left that job the symptom stopped..

Then I said to Tuula, because the reflection brought me to a reality based answer, .. . ... ... ..
... ... ...." I was scared all the time".

I have never said that before.
Never thought that before.
But it was reality for me - I now believe.

It has been a long time since I have reflected upon all this. This reflection hit me with a fresh emotion.
I remembered living in tension when I was with the young adults.
When I was preparing for the work.
During the day.
Days off - all the time other than when I moved away from the community for a break.

Joan told me today that she remembers me saying I was scared to walk out in the streets sometimes.
I remember Joan being physically being sick in the toilet because she was picking up the tension from me.

I remember at one period:: I wore shoes with metal protective at the front. Industrial type shoes and boots!
All that to do youth work.
I have never told anyone about this before.

I was scared all the time...........

Interesting that the sickness I had last week was gastric.
Today I went to see the Doctor about the problem.
It is not stomach cancer because it would be more regular and there would be unplanned weight loss.
It is not an ulcer because there would be blood in motions and when I coughed.
She said it looked like the lining of my stomach is damaged and the natural production of acid is now overproducing.
I have been given 4 weeks supply of tablets to reduce the acid production with view to the damage being repaired.

I wonder if the damage was done during the work I described above?

Strange feelings here at the Wilson Mansions.
Not regrets.
But the memory of all this has disturbed me.
It is good to be disturbed.

All this is very personal. Hope you don't mind. Had to let it out.

Thanx Tuula for the question.
Thanx to you too .........
for listening .................