Friday, October 13, 2006 ageing is an issue for you
- in your family?

I am saying this, not knowing you, but guessing that you are touched in some way by the life of an elderly relative.
If not you - I guess someone close to you is living under some sort of pressure due to a beautiful human who is deteriorating in body mind or spirit.

My Mother lived for her last ten years with both legs amputated - one below and one above the knee.
She never lost he marbles.
She kept her faith, compassion, engagement, dignity and communicate-ability.
Even living with a wheelchair as 'stand in' legs, she led a life not confused.
(Note - she was not 'wheelchair bound' like some insensitive journalists and other insensitives say.
"I don't come with my wheel chair - my wheelchair comes with me"
say the activist wheelchair users.)

'Losing it' with any part of our life is tough.
Becoming confused and memory loss is a big one.
I meet humans who are so thought out and articulate and yet many seem to run into trouble with parents who have difficult behaviour.

(There is no such thing as a difficult human
- only difficult behaviour.)

So many grown up humans have difficulty being 'adult' with their own parents.
Particularly when older people begin to turn nasty or sometimes offensive.
So many times these relationships are seen as offensive rather than inadequacy.
So a grown up - 30 - 40 - or 50 year old will back off an inadequate parent because they are offended by behaviour.
In fact, so often, there is a reactive behavioural response - rather than a a personal mission-led response.
( If you have not seen - check my own mission statement under 'pearls' on home page I think)
If another humans behaviour dictates how we respond we are;
- a feather in the wind -
- a leaf in a stream -
- not response-able.

The alternative to to reactive behaviour is a decision about how we believe it is 'right' to behave, and then striving to do it.
Even with parents.
If we believe it is right to walk away from anyone who is offensive - most families will never ever talk.
If we believe in unconditional love - loving the human person but working at the weaknesses in 'behaviour' (ours and theirs!), we will be deciding how to communicate because it is 'best' - not just because;
"I feel uncomfortable/angry/sick/fed up/mad/putdown/disregarded/treated like muck ......... fill in your own words here .............. "

One of my principles is::
"We are responsible 'to' another person
- not responsible 'for' another person. "

If we are the latter - we will everyone who is near 'self harm' or 'suicide' or 'unstable' because we cannot cope.
Alternatively we will become so possessive and not be an aid to growth - only further oppression.
Being responsible 'to' - is giving what you have but at the same time believing that each human is responsible for themselves AND we cannot be responsible.

When did you become an adult?
I became an adult when I was about 40 years old!
It was as a result of the sorts of things above.