Friday, February 15, 2013

... some beautiful humans struggle with Valentines Day

I am aware that some beautiful humans struggle with Valentines Day - as it was yesterday.

It is a deep hurt if you feel unloveable, unlovely, sidelined - not in a one-and-special-unique-relationship.

Valentine stuff, as with Christmas, hits below the belt.
BUT if we can grasp the reality - where we are in terms of human relationships - that is a great step forward.

We can only move forward from knowing where we are. 
Ringing in my ears is a great quote from a great man ........ 
"the first task of a leader is to define reality" 
Max Du Prix from the book Leadership Jazz.

Relationships are the beginning of finding a one true lasting relationship.
Yet having needs met in a relationship ALSO means helping to meet the needs of the other.
We all have needs. Striving to meet the needs of the other is no better way of building a relationship. Lasting. Deep. Loving.

It is always true that some BHP's have not experienced love.
If parents have not known love, not loved their child, failed to love, been unable to love - that leaves a child so damaged.
'I am not loved because I am ugly.'
'I feel a deep rejection within me.'

It is like abuse  - it lingers on through life.
It is also reenforced by other humans who are not able to love someone because of their behaviour.
That builds up into a lack of confidence and low self esteem.
I have worked with humans all my life who are incredible talented educated people but also have such a poor 'feel' about themselves.
That's why I started saying, some 25 years ago "You are a beautiful human person".
Humans need to work on that fact that they are beautiful - and it will never to be discovered by looking in a mirror.

Accepting self is beyond behaviour. We are not our behaviour. Feelings drive behaviour.
So we need to believe ........ believe that we are beautiful at the core DESPITE the ugly things we don't like about ourselves AND what we suspect others don't like about us.

This is all spiritual staff. All emotional intelligence stuff. It is all about they beautiful human inside us - trying to get out and live in freedom. One person instead of an inner and an outer one.
We need to join the dots.

I was 40 before I accepted myself with all my 



Since I posted this this morning - I have received a few comment. Open and beautiful reflections. Some with honest hurt built in.

This contribution grabbed me so I asked Annie if I could add to my blog. She agreed::


I'm going to be very honest! 

Hope that is okay? 
I know what it is like to feel this unlovable, 
not wanted in the way I hoped to feel! 
I came to the conclusion, after a lot of soul searching, that I was happy to be on my own and didn't need anyone to make me feel "whole" or "wanted". 
Then Steve came along in my later life. 
I had been fortunate enough to have some men who were "interested" but it never felt right. 
It was almost as tho I could a voice saying: "Wait for me!" As a cruel man once said: 
"If you don't marry me then of course you can forget about having children as you will be too old!" 
He was right. 
I'd known Steve for years as a friend. 
Then later in life we met up again and we've been married for nine years and I am retired. 
No children of course but I love children, young people, and we have open home. 
We found an abandoned, badly treated dog on a dark lane covered in snow 2 years ago and he is still with us. Bit of baby!!! Ha ha ha. 
Life is what you make of it. The bad can be good if you choose to face it head on. 
It's in the "valley" that we learn to be content!!!