Friday, August 05, 2016

There is no such thing as a difficult human - only difficult behaviour.

There is no such thing as a difficult human - only difficult behaviour.
Yes - even including our parents.

So many grown up humans have difficulty being 'adult' with their own parents. 
Particularly when older people begin to turn nasty or sometimes offensive. 
So many times these relationships are seen as offensive rather than inadequacy. 
So a grown up - 30 - 40 - or 50 year old 
will back off an inadequate parent 
because they are offended by behaviour. 
In fact, so often, there is a reactive behavioural response - 
rather than a a personal mission-led response. 
( If you have not seen - check my own mission statement SEARCH feature)

If another humans behaviour dictates how we respond we are; 
- a feather in the wind -
- a leaf in a stream - 
- not response-able.
We need to decide how to respond
not just be reactive,
follow the stream.
Even with our parents.

The alternative to reactive behaviour is a 
decision about how we believe it is 'right' to behave, 
and then striving to do it. 
Even with parents.

If we believe it is right to walk away from anyone who is offensive 
rather than calmly dealing with it
we enter cycle of poor communication
resulting in inadequate relationships.
Even with our parents.

It takes an emotional intelligence approach.
All this is awareness and skill.
We can learn ho to do it better.
We never do if we
walk - not stay
and enter in.
Or avoid real communication
Even with our parents.

Many families will never ever talk things through.
Often it is talking FACT and OPINIONS
never FEELINGS. 
We can be the one
who decides to do 
LEVEL FIVE communication -
even with our parents.

If we believe in unconditional love - 
loving the human person but also 
working at the weaknesses in 'behaviour' 
(ours and theirs!), 
we will be deciding how to communicate because it is 'best' 
- not just because;
"I feel uncomfortable/angry/sick/fed up/mad/putdown/disregarded/treated like muck ......... fill in your own words here .............. "

One of my principles is'
We are responsible 'to' - 
not responsible 'for' 
another person.

If we are the latter - what about the beautiful human who is 
nearing 'self harm' or 'suicide' or 'unstable' 
and we cannot cope with that?
It will destroy us.
Alternatively we will become so possessive and not be an aid to that humans growth - only further oppression.
Being responsible 'to' - is giving what you have but at the same time believing that each human is responsible for themselves AND we cannot be responsible for them.

I remember once,
a person coming to our front door 
terribly depressed.
We were living under real pressure.
There was more distress inside the home 
than at the front door.
I turned that person away.

I remember it and have feelings about it.
I believe that I was not responsible for that person.
But I still feel the feelings about it.
About the person.
About my rejection.
But I was right to do it.

Experiences like this dwell and leave a mark.
Rightly so .....................

'Only love, only love can leave such a mark
But only love, only love can heal such a scar'

When did you become an adult?
I became an adult when I was about 40 years old!
It was as a result of the sorts of things above.

So I am responsible 
TO you
FOR you.