Sunday, November 09, 2008

Why am I afraid to tell you who I am? Because if I tell you who I am and you don't like who I am, that is all I have.

That is the title of my favourite book of all time. The title is on the back cover. Only the first 10 words are on the front cover.

I am determined that, on this blog and daily life, that I strive to tell you who I am.
I Go for the dropped mask pose.
Not show my worst side but my true as possible picture.


On Saturday I was on my own indoors. I felt not OK. I scribbled some words in my day book. Trying to capture so much as I could of feeling there and then.

I was empty. I could not face responding to emails.
I could not focus. (I could launch into the reasons why now - but I want to stay with the feelings before the analysis).

I felt fragile. Weak. Vulnerable.
I dug down deep into my soul and captured the feelings just like I do with music for my iPod - but these feelings were recorded on my soul and I wanted them summarized on paper.

Then I asked the question 'why?' and these went in the book too.
The happenings of the past month, all blogged below, have been log-jammed in my soul. I have not had space to stop. To reflect. To take in.
A bit like a starving man.
Spiritually starved!
So that was it. Knowing the diagnosis always is a relief. It clocks reality. It stops the washing machine from just sloshing everything around.

Little Sheila had planned a meal out in London town for Joan and me.
A sensitive human just thinking of Joan an me. I didn't feel like going as I wanted space. HOWEVER !

The venue for the meal was a really nice restaurant in Mayfair London W1. A part of London I have never frequented. So, with the help of iPhone Google Maps, I stepped out of Bond Street Tube and entered into Affluentville. It was great.
The Restaurant was relaxed, great buzzy vibe and a menu of mmmmmm
It was just the job to relax, eat, sip champagne and talk talk talk ........

It is the sort of place I would love to meet up with you for a meal. I usually pay but, if we came here, I would go for 50/50 - deal?

So I have had some space now, but still not tackled my inbox. After this, tonight, I must do some urgent work - and then rise to the challenge during the next few days. So if I have not replied - I will.

I don't feel that list above NOW. I feel other things now. But ........
....... experiencing those feelings has made me reflect about the many humans I work with who cannot get their lives together. Cannot get their lives on track.
If they feel like I did, no wonder they cannot string any decisions together. In their situation of financial, emotional and spiritual poverty - it is no wonder that they turn to drugs and drink to blur the demands of life.
I am and will be more sensitive as I go forward.

All symptoms we see are like an iceberg.
Underneath, the unseen, is a mass of causes.

It seems to me that they are bound up in the spiritual/emotional.

I guess you can identify with these feelings?
I guess you can identify with my struggle?
I guess that you yearn to tell who you really are .............

One is:: you are beautiful.
You are beautiful extreme.
Maybe other humans cannot see who you are?
You are beautiful ................