Monday, October 13, 2008
Joan was in the North when her Mother died. I drove up on Friday to be with her.
I don't want to click about anyone else at the moment but I do need to reflect on my feelings and all the goings on in my interior.
At the same time I am prepping for a session at Kings College tomorrow.
At the same time I am feeling strange.
Joan is full of feelings.
The Sheilas are.
Me too.
When I was with Joan, I have returned to London now, we got on with doing stuff there. Being together sorting stuff out was good. I returned with a rammed car. Mainly bedding that needs washing.
Once we had separated I felt different. Joan was isolated staying in her Mothers home.
End of the day tiredness left us both separated and feeling fragile.
I am certain I am feeling transference of feelings from Joan. Plus my own. I work at this feelings stuff but there is a depth of feeling I have not clocked before. It is like an internal loss. Internal fragility. Inner weeping. Not sleeping.
As I click the keyboard my feelings change. I guess that is one reason I reflect like this. It is vital it comes out of the gut - not rotting in there.
I am not overcome with emotion. No tears. Inner sobbing - yes.
I naturally want to refer to Joyce, Joan and the Sheilas but I feel it is too soon for all concerned for me to be sharing too much.
I will reflect on a life lived. On relationships. Love. Honour. Respect. Our grieving.
But now is too soon.
I need to get on with other things - not easy.
I have been playing Bugge Wesseltoft on my Blog and at home - reflective and deep moody music.
That is where I am but .......... I am blasting out Dance Music - Dead Mouse and Pete Tong at the moment.
I need to lift my spirits and music does that for me.
I will retail some beautiful quieter music on my blog.
Here I want to boom shake the room ..............
Whatever you face
Whatever your reality
Whatever your unresolved emotions
You are beautiful
Feelings are signals
Welcome them
Do not let them control
Manage them
Use them
Don't let them whip you
You are beautiful no matter what the feelings may be ...................
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