Wednesday, April 01, 2020

I decided nobody would love me unless I was perfect. I felt ugly, as if I was falling down a dark hole

There exist numerous cross-cultural unified similarities 
as to the nature and definition of love, 
as in there being a thread of commitment, 

tenderness, and passion 
common to all human existence, and .......
.......there are differences. 

In India and parts of Southeast Asia, 
with arranged marriages commonplace, 
it is believed that love is not a necessary ingredient in the initial stages of marriage – it is something that can be created during the marriage; whereas in Western culture, by comparison, 
love is seen as a necessary prerequisite to marriage. 
Can we grow to love? 
Can love be made through commitment?

"My father always made me know I was fat.
I could never make him love me.
I decided nobody would love me unless I was perfect.
I felt ugly, as if I was falling down a dark hole."
Jane Fonda

The Road Less Travelled man - Scott Peck MD, worked in the field of applied psychology explored the definitions of love and evil. 

Peck maintains that love is a combination of the concern for the spiritual growth of another, and simple narcissism. 

In combination, love is an activity, not simply a feeling.
Scott Peck and his perspective on love
(in one of my favourite books:: The Road Less Travelled)  
is that:: 
"..... love is not a feeling, it is an activity and an investment.
Love is primarily a concern for the spiritual growth of another.
Love cannot be sustained by mutual dependence, rather,
love between two parties is made stronger when they are
completely independent of one another."

There is something about love 

which is about the long term.

Eternal you may say.
Something about loving someone beyond behaviour.

Some time ago I considered on these pageswhether I loved humans unconditionally.
That is something I believe in.

Unconditional love - that is.
My conclusion was - 
No I don't.
I don't love unconditionally.
I want to to.
But I am imperfection.
I want to love
I want to live my life as an act of love
but I fail
and - that's ok too.

"We must not think that our love has to be extraordinary.
But we do need to love without getting tired.
How does a lamp burn?
Through the continuous input of small drops of oil.
These drops are the small things of daily life:
small words of kindness,
a thought for others,
our way of being quiet,
of looking,
of speaking,
of acting.
They are the true drops of love
that keep our
burning like a lively flame.

Mother Teresa