Monday, December 04, 2006

Hello God
I have lots going on in the washing machine of my mind.
I want to write to you because when I speak to you, usually silently, I sort of drift into uncontrollable thoughts and forget I started ......

I just want to say - I am committed to our relationship as ever. Maybe more-so.
It is not like when I first fell in love with you.
It is less fresh but more mature.
I'm not scared of you any more.
Not as puzzled.

Having this established relationship gives my insecure self ..... security.
I always wanted the very best in life - out of life.
That is why I locked into you when I was 21.
Now that I have lived with you for all these years - I will and want to stay with you.
Without this special relationship I cannot imagine how I would have direction or purpose.
I certainly know I would not be on this road.

I don't want to write clever words.
I want to stumble as I think deep into my soul.
Deep because 'somewhere' is a deep thirst.
Quenched but then thirsty again.
The ordinary in my life - you are there - in this.
I just want to say - I know you are walking with me - and I want to say ....... I want to walk with you.
Every heartbeat, step, breath ..........

I try to work this out in terms of my thought process.
Nowadays I cannot do anything else. I must think things through.
Also I try to understand the deep emotions.
But I cannot understand these either.
Here am I. always trying to understand humans so I can be of some use to them.
Yet with all this stuff - I don't see the depth of the well .........

I give up .....
More like
I give in ......

Written in Church last night.
3rd December 2007
Advent Sunday Service.
The light were so poor I could not read the sheet
- my eyes have lost that sharpness

So I tried a different sort of advent-ture