Friday, March 11, 2016

‘…. because if i tell you who I am and you don’t like who I am that’s all I have’

'Why am I afraid to tell you who I am.'

Many times I have  written about this -
the title of my favourite book of all time.

The back cover contains the full title:-
‘…. because if i tell you
who I am
and you don’t like
who I am
that’s all I have’
(by John Powell SJ)

Do you get this?

A summary is
- we tell / we show ourselves
to others as what we think/sense/feel
is what the receiver person
expects of us…….
because if we really show who we are
we will feel vulnerable/rejected/shamed
when / if we are ignored or sidelined = destroyed.

WOW that’s a challenge to me
and I have worded these things so many times.

So we protect our emotions.
We don’t want to feel certain things.
Experience certain behaviours from another.

Are we afraid of the reactions of others
or are we afraid of 
our own emotional reactions?

I was 40 before I felt my emotions.
Of course I had feelings those 40 years
but never clocked them.
Never knew how to contact them
articulate them.
Never thought about them.
Only thought about my behaviour 
because I was angry
or violent
or sulky
or silent ………..

It’s difficult to remember who I was in those days.
Certainly he was a human I don’t want to be like.

My breakthrough was because I had passion.
Passion to work with young humans.
I wanted to be in  helping relationship with them.
I was passionate to connect, build relationships
to help others not to be like me!

I had to study this humanness 
because I was working with young offenders.
I was failing to develop the best of helping relationships.
They were still violent - still offending.
I was blind emotionally.

It was them who made me angry.
NOW I know that those angry feeling were/are mine.

We cannot dump our own feelings on someone else.
“You made me feel …….”
I know believe to be the biggest con trick on ourselves.
ie - someone behaves or speaks fouls/abuses/hurts
and I feel feelings BUT
- it’s not THEM making me - 
it’s their behaviour
triggering my feelings.

Blame is a discharge of feelings 
because it hurts to own it ourselves.

That was a liberating step along the endless journey 
of emotional intelligence.
It connected with me spiritually.
It collided with my faith, value of self, value of others
and it changed how I worked 
as a Youth Worker/Leader/CEO/Manager
and latterly as a Trainer / Facilitator.

We  are all responsible for own behaviour
we all responsible for our own feelings.

We can learn how  to manage BOTH.

How are you doing on your