Monday, April 05, 2004

What do I do?
What do I feel?
Holy week is here and I felt quite moved during the service in Church this morning.

I know a number of people who do something special and significant to them during lent. Giving up alcohol seems popular. A diet or two is pursued. Sometimes secret life style changes are made.
I don't really follow this sort of thing, either for traditional reasons or personal discipline. I seem to continue as normal and then ....... I am hit come Holy Week.

' ......whose nature is always to have mercy"
struck me deep today. Just one line midst a prayer so familiar to me.
I try and am always sensitive to how I treat people who I work with. I believe 'the least' and 'the bruised' and 'the broken' have a right to the utmost dignity and valuing. As much as those who are kind and outgoing-ly positive to me/us. I cringe when I observe the verbal or non verbal disregard of people who are homeless, sometimes dirty, sometimes abusive and more. Often it is just a slight putdown or slowness to respond. Often it is the lack of eye contact and the usual ready smile offered to others. 'The Resident' in YMCA hostel, and others, is often a stigma which proceeds anyone before they even interact in any way. ".... his nature is always to have mercy" and I question my behaviour and my nature. I am touched with deep emotion because I fall from that example. I know I am no-way-there.
Lord have Mercy.

Normally I work as normal up to late Thursday, this week too. Friday is usually a special service when Joan and me go to be silent before the cross. It is a service of three hours and I normally do two. It is always deep. I feel alone. I want to do. I want to refresh the crucifixion in my life. In his life. At the end of his life. The purpose of his life. The Sunday to follow is far away from my feelings ..............
'who am I
that for my sake
my Lord should take
frail flesh, and die'

That was part of what I sung this morning and I felt it then.
I feel it now.

This Good Friday I have a friend coming over from Norway with his family. I will be enthusiastically spending time with those dearest friends and Joan.
So holy week will be different. Not because I have seen the movie 'the Passion of Christ'. I don't know how I would cope with a dramatical portrayal of the lashing and murder of a person I have been building a special relationship with over forty years - and love deeply.

It will be special this year. I am sure the period will cut me up. I want to feel the pain as I do for the humans around the world who are in pain at the moment. And those I meet every day. I do not want to pass by on the other side.

'see from his head
his hands, his feet
sorrow and love flow mingled down
did e'er such love love and sorrow meet,
or thorns compose so rich a crown?'