Wednesday, March 24, 2004

...........and sometimes I feel a feeling - of failure.
Sometimes success.
Funny how I am suddenly startled by the feelings my brain is signalling to me as (the brain) picks up the pulsing waves from the implanted monitoring system - the feelings.

'He who never hurt ridicules the scars of others'
William Shakespeare

Sometimes I am not aware of feelings.
I just get on.
Most of the time I have little triggers which guide my sensitivity to others, my verbal, my touching, my non-verbal language.

My feelings are raw sometimes.
Particularly when I am with humans who are
-pleading attention
-oozing obnoxious behaviour
-hurting and saying it or showing it
-loud .......... and the reason isn't fun
-during group work
............... and more.
These times I am triggered by an auto pilot it seems. The feelings and my communication system seems to be synchronised. I am feeling but rolling.
Afterwards, when slowing down, I am aware of a deep sense of failure.
Other times - glow of good feelings.

I don't like that failure feeling.
Yet it is there and I own it and dig deep to understand it. I know this isn't the end of the world. I know it is because things have not gone well and I could have managed better or it was impossible to manage better.

At this moment I am left with feelings from an item of group work ...... and the summary feeling is good. I feel it was tough but overall good. I feel for a few of the humans who I know felt uncomfortable. Shouted down, couldn't get a word in, had deep hurts triggered there and then. The feelings with them is there but the overall kick in the 'feelings base camp' - is good.

The main
The great
The meaningful
The pleasure
......................... is when I can tell that a beautiful human has stepped onwards and forwards in their own understanding or learning.
Maybe even a new way of thinking feeling and believing.

I have put my finger on it, with all the clicking of keys I have just done - my finger is on the understanding of my feelings and why I feel good that -
I have met my own purposes - my mission.

"seek the shalom of the city
where I have sent you
because in it's shalom,
you will find your own shalom"
Bible Book
some where in Jeremiah